Patience in Imperfection

“We all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” 2 Corinthians 3:18

Last night I undertook the task of sorting through baby clothes and toys to determine what to sell, what to save, and what to give away. My house was an absolute wreck. I spent the entire morning this morning not only organizing closets to put things away, but scrubbing and cleaning so that now I can drink my coffee and write with my surroundings “in order.”

I am very impatient with myself when it comes to processes. I have very little tolerance for waiting for something to be completed when it is in my power to complete it. When I have moved from one house to another, I stayed up late, got up early, and did not stop working until boxes were unpacked, broken down, and thrown away. I like things to be settled. I like things to be neat, tidy, and completed as quickly as possible.

Our faith doesn’t work that way though. I often I wish that it did, but it doesn’t. I wish I was perfect, polished, and made fully into the image of Christ as of yesterday, but I’m still a mess. Don’t get me wrong: I know that I am fully forgiven by the power of Christ’s death and resurrection. I know that I belong 100% to God the father as a result of my faith in Him. However, the sanctification process and renewal of my mind can feel so daunting sometimes. I see so many weak areas of my life---selfishness, control, and pride are all deep-rooted weeds in the garden of my heart. I am so thankful that the Master Gardener cares about me enough to not leave those weeds in place!

Becoming a parent has so greatly affected my perception of God and myself. Parenthood is an amazing earthly shadow of what God’s love for us really is like. I mean can you imagine if I expected my three-year-old son to act and reason as an adult? Okay, Okay, Okay, so there’s another area of imperfection in me: sometimes I DO expect him to act like an adult! However, does it make sense to do so? No! He is a "grown-up-in-progress." I'm okay with that. I'm ok that he is not an adult yet because he's not! He's still new to this life, and it is my job to teach and train him to be a mature, responsible adult.  This is a LONG process with a lot of repetition, a lot of discipline, and a lot of humor required. While he is not perfect, or grow up yet, he is 100% my son. He has access to me, my home, where I am. I provide for him. I love him unconditionally. 

In the same way, as believers we are fully accepted into the Lord’s home as His children once we have authentically placed our faith in Christ. However, His word tells us that we are now His ambassadors. We represent Him to a lost, broken world, to desperately invest in the mission to invite all people into His kingdom as sons and daughters through the Gospel. So, He equips us. He changes us. He reaches deep into the pit of our heart and starts to root out weeds that choke out His spirit from within us so that our work may be increasingly fruitful and abundant.

 Immediately on the outset of our faith journey, God invites us to work alongside of Him as a father would invite his child to help him. In my house, “help” is usually a big mess when my son is involved. But we adore the intimacy built with him when we share labor. Can my husband and I do the work without him? Absolutely, and usually better and faster.  But we love him, and we want him to be an active participant in our family---to identify with my husband and I that he is a part of “us.” As he grows up, his impact in this work develops more and more. God has invited and commanded us to work alongside of Him in His power as His children because He wants us to identify with His heart, and His kingdom. What a privilege, and what a joy that we do not have to have “arrived” to be co-laborers with Him!

Miles J. Stanford has a fantastic book about Spiritual growth called The Green Letters. In it, Stanford states that, “many [believers] feel they are not making progress unless they are swiftly and constantly forging ahead.” He goes on to quote A.H. Strong: “When God wants to make an oak, He takes an hundred years, but when He wants to make a squash, He takes six months” (Stanford, 6-7) [1]. Maturation, growth, and spiritual depth take time. This is no excuse for choosing to sin or oppose God’s word. Rather, it is an opportunity to be set free from the self-expectation of immediate perfection. God is working, shaping, deepening, strengthening, pruning, and creating healthy, fruitful followers. Let us continue to accept His invitation to work alongside of Him, to hear His words, to accept His loving discipline as our Great Father.

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[1] Stanford, Miles J. The Complete Green Letters. Grand Rapids: Zondervan,      1975. Print.

Crushed and Created

This week has left me speechless. It has seemed that everywhere I look there is sickness, pain, death, war, and trauma. The effects of sin are seemingly endless. I find myself whispering in my heart, “Jesus, come quickly.” Hearing of a dear friend's recent cancer diagnosis, reading news stories of war, suicide, and more I am reminded that none of us are immune from pain. None of us can say we have never hurt deeply. We are all very, very broken, and we all need a Savior.

I have a three-year-old son that I adore. He is so funny, creative, smart, and imaginative. Like most three-year-olds, he has days that make me want to pull my hair out. Some days I fight him tooth-and-nail to listen and obey, and to understand that I love him and want good things for him, but he needs to trust me and obey. Some days I just want to cry from sheer frustration when his strong will and mine collide.

If my son wakes up in the middle of the night crying because he is scared, I go to him. It doesn’t matter how bad of a day we had. It doesn’t matter how angry he made me. I love him fiercely, and I don’t want him to be scared. I want him to trust that I will be there when he needs me. I want him to know he is safe, loved, and that I am with him. 

I have to believe that God feels even stronger about us. We are pitiful, sinful

beings that refuse to listen and obey the God that loves us and wants good things for us. We buck against His authority, in spite of how good He is. And yet He loves us with an everlasting love. In spite of the sin, the shame, the guilt, he came to us in the middle of our nightmare and rescued us. We are not alone in the darkness; our God is with us. It doesn’t take away the darkness, but the morning will come. Until then, we are not alone.

I look back on certain parts of my life with sadness. I had a tumultuous upbringing that left me shattered, insecure, and utterly broken for many years. People that should have protected me and taken care of me either left, or watched on while abuse and neglect occurred. Even when I was placed in a stable home, internally I was a wreck and I didn’t know how to reconcile all that had happened with the Gospel that I heard in church on Sundays. When I committed my life to following Jesus at the age of 17, I was changed from the inside out. I started on a journey of healing from wounds I lived with, and learned to forgive those that had hurt me the deepest. Don’t misunderstand---the situations didn’t change, in fact they got worse for a time. But I was changed. I saw things differently.

           

During my first year of college, I entered into one of the darkest years of my entire life. But that year is the year that God broke me, and showed me His faithfulness like never before. In the thick of depression, I found myself literally hiding under a desk sobbing over the word of God. My Bible still has tear-stained pages from hours spent asking God to meet me in the middle of the pain. I studied the book of Hosea, and the Lord showed up in my heart. I was never the same when I studied what the Lord spoke to Israel through the prophet: 

14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness
 and speak tenderly to her.15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
 There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth,
 as in the day she came up out of Egypt. 16 “In that day,” declares the Lord,
“You will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’ (Hosea 2:14-16)

The Lord led Israel into difficult, trying times not to show himself as a God that will beat his subjects into submission, but rather to show the intimate nature of His love and compassion towards His people in spite of themselves. It is so easy and tempting in tumultuous times to believe the lie that God no longer cares, that He has forsaken us, that He doesn’t love us. It is easy to believe that we are simply being punished. In that season of my life, I believed I would never be better, and I would be left to rot in the wilderness. But that season is now one of the fondest of my spiritual life because I look back and see God’s goodness, tenderness, and kindness to me in the midst of my doubts, fears, and brokenness.

God does love us madly. He is with us in the desert to show us His heart, to show us that when all is lost, He is constant. Maybe you are suffering tremendously. Look to Him. He has come for us like a Father goes to his child. He loves us with a radical love that changes us. He is able to take the Valley of Achor (the valley of trouble) and make it a doorway of hope.

How have you seen God move through tragedy and pain in your own life? 

If you are like me, you enjoy a good song that speaks into the heart of an issue. Here are a few I encourage you to check out:

“The Cure for Pain” by Jon Foreman

“After All (Not for a Moment)” by Meredith Andrews

“Crushed and Created” by Caitlyn Smith

“If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens

The Mess of Relationships

I have control issues. I love to bake because I not only have a crazy sweet-tooth, but because I also enjoy knowing that if I mix the right measure of each ingredient, mix it properly, and bake it at the right temperature for the right amount of time, I can expect to receive just what I was working on.

Life doesn’t work that way.  Relationships don’t work that way. We want them too. We want relationships to fit in nicely tied packages that fit “just so” in our lives. The truth is that relationships are messy, often inconvenient, and sometimes flat-out hard. We can’t add “the right ingredients” and follow our “recipe” and be guaranteed that it will produce exactly what we intended. But the other truth is that relationships are worth it. And sometimes the results are even better than our recipe could have produced to begin with. As people, we crave intimacy and connection with other people. We were designed for it.

This last year I realized something so ugly within myself that I didn’t want to face it. Have you ever had a moment like that? When you want to just throw your personal “junk” into the proverbial closet and pretend it isn’t there? I like to think that I’m a people person. I thrive on people. People energize me. On Sunday mornings I have the privilege of serving alongside of children’s ministry volunteers at the church I call home. I often feel so excited to be around these people that I feel like the hyper squirrel from the movie Ice Age.  People excite me. People possibilities make me dream big.

But the truth is that people also terrify me. People are wild cards: unpredictable, and having the capacity to cause great destruction both physically and emotionally. The “thing” that I love also scares me to my core. This last year, one of the biggest reasons that I stepped away from writing was to deal with this exact thing.  The Lord allowed me to reach a point of collapse nearly a year ago in which I found myself living in fear. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t enjoy things. I could only contemplate the harm that people can do, and it was scary.

I believe that our enemy threw me into a pit intended to destroy my hope in the Lord. Admittedly, there were many days that I questioned if I would make it through that season. But our God is gracious, patient, and is able to turn such pits into beautiful years of work and accomplishment in our hearts, even if it is painful and trying. The Lord didn’t leave me in my fear, but met me in it. He challenged me to really come face to face with my deepest fears, most of which revolve around the loss of my son or the forced separation of me from him, and to deal with them on me knees. I will spare you all of the details of the last year, but through days, weeks, and months of asking God hard questions, seeking truth, and seeking counsel the Lord has shown me repeatedly that even if the worst occurs, the story is not over. He is God. He is good. His grace is big enough to carry us through our deepest fears.

I share all of that because this last year was tempting for me to hide away and forget about people. To shut down and say, “Relationships are too hard, too messy, and I don’t want any piece of that.” The truth, however, is that God loves people, and I love God. God’s spirit in me beckons me to share His love for people that cost Him everything. The Gospel shows us that Jesus disregarded the mess that we as people are, and met us right in the thick of it. He came into the cold water with us, so to speak, and rescued us. He endured ridicule, shame, lies about Himself, excruciating death, and the wrath and separation from God the father all for the sake of…us.

All of this has left me broken. God has wrecked shop on my heart, and I find myself slowly taking more risks to let people “in.” I tend to hold people at arms length. The world tells me that it’s because of abandonment issues and the tumultuous childhood and adolescent years I had. But God says it doesn’t have to be that way, and He is completely revamping my heart to pursue people in spite of the mess. I want to be willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of relationship. Acts 2 shows us that disciples grew in number because the Church was the church, living in authentic community and relationship with one another. There is great power in relationships.

How can we intentionally invest in people? How can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to others? How can we let go of our control issues to get into the mess of “people?” 

The Evidence Speaks

This past weekend I had the privilege of taking a break. My sweet husband gave me the gift of time away from responsibility, so I did what my nerdy-self loves best: I tucked away into a bookstore by a window, complete with my hot cup of coffee--Cafe Verona (my coffee-snob-self's favorite blend), my headphones, my journal, and my Bible. I couldn't remember the last time that I didn't have a major "to-do" list. My family has been so busy recently with moving, overtime, major church events, and more.

 I confessed to the Lord that morning that I didn't know how to stop moving long enough to relax and be still. I started to write in my journal, but nothing would come out of my head. I felt like a tangled mess with no concrete thought. As I confessed that to the Lord in prayer, I decided that I would just be. I wouldn't try to write or think, I would just enjoy the moment looking out a window and listening to my music (Vienna Teng playlist on Pandora).

After a short time, I felt myself relax. I felt myself breathe. I allowed myself to just be and enjoy the stillness. I relished the fact that I was still capable of relaxing. As I allowed the music to wrap around me like a blanket, I felt more and more inflated within. I felt more full and less drained. I opened my Bible and continued my journey reading through the Gospels.

I was in John 9 that particular morning. I absolutely love Scripture. My entire being has been transformed over the last 10 years of studying God's word. I am not who I was when I first turned to Christ, praise Him for it. I love that I can never boast in my familiarity of Scripture because it is so dynamic. The Word is living and active, and is the breath of God into us. We can drink deep and never feel guilty for over-indulging. I love that I can read a passage for the very first time, then over and over again, and still be refreshed by it with something new that the Lord has to say to me.

 This particular day, as I studied John 9, I was blown away by the story told. A man was born blind, and Jesus' disciples asked Jesus what most people asked as they passed by that man every day: what did that man do, or what did his parents do, that was so terrible that he deserved to be blind?

Stop there for a moment with me. Don't we do that? We are hardwired to assume that sickness, heartache, tragedy, and more are a payback from karma for something that we did horribly wrong. Jesus, as is beautifully typical, looks as His disciples and turns their assumption on its head. Jesus simply replies, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned [...] but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him" (John 9:3, NIV).

 I'd like to point out that the day prior to me reading this passage, I received a phone call from my best friend--a sucker punch of a phone call informing that her husband had a tumor that is most likely cancerous. What do you say in that moment? We cried together, I did my best to muster up more than a pitiful, "I'm so sorry." Reading John 9 hit a chord with me Saturday morning.

 Jesus went to the blind man in his darkness and spit in the dirt, proceeding to put the mud on the man's eyes. Wait a minute. Imagine that! You're blind. You were born blind, and have never seen a physical person. You beg, living off of the mercy of others to sustain you because you have no other option. And a stranger that you can't see spits in the dirt and puts that on your eyes. Umm...my immediate instinct is to say, "Yuck!" and be completely repulsed. However, this man received what Jesus offered, as bizarre and quite frankly messy as it was. He listened when Jesus said to go to the pool of Siloam and wash his eyes. He trusted and responded. As a result, his sight was restored. People began to talk and question if it was a hoax of some kind. Maybe this wasn't the same man. However, the man's own parents stepped up and acknowledged that it was in fact their son, and yes he had been born blind, and yes he could now see.

 The Pharisees in their rage questioned the man amid threats of him being thrown out of the synagogue---a disgrace to any Jew. Upon questioning, he acknowledged his own doubts. He claims that Jesus is a prophet. His own parents leave him hanging, telling him that he's a grown up and must take responsibility for what he says about Jesus. They didn't want to risk losing their spot in the synagogue. This man was verbally abused and mocked by the Pharisees (so much for a "congratulations on the restoration of your sight"). Finally, the man looks at the Pharisees and declares, "Whether he is a sinner or not, I do not know. One thing I do know, I was blind and now I see!" (John 9:25, NIV). He had questions. He didn't know for sure that Jesus was the sinless Son of God, the Savior that He claimed to be. However, he did have the evidential support of what had been accomplished in his life.

 Looking further, we see that the man sustained even more injury from the Pharisees who cornered him and continued to hurl insults upon him as one of Jesus' disciples. The man dared to stand up to the Pharisees and boldly declared, at the risk of all he had, “Now that is remarkable! You don’t know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will. Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. If this man were not from God, he could do nothing" (John 9:30-33, NIV). I could not help but think of my own life when I read this man's testimony of God's grace and healing in his life.

I confess that I have doubts. Sometimes doubts wash over me like a sea squall, suddenly and out of nowhere. I sometimes ask hard questions like, "Am I just buying into this 'faith stuff' to make sense of pain? To make myself feel better when life hurts? To make up hope so that it isn't purposeless?" Am I crazy to assume that I am not the only one with questions? However, the evidence speaks. My life was what I in my southern-mannerisms call a "hot mess" ten years ago. I was depressed, battling an eating disorder, angry, "good" on the surface, drowning on the inside. I couldn't handle the brokenness occurring within my family.

When I encountered Jesus and surrendered to him, I felt like I could see for the very first time. It was as if I was dead and someone literally breathed into me and I took my first real breath. Things weren't suddenly easy as a new believer; in fact, many problems, especially within my family, got worse. However, something inside of me was changed. I began to be healed, I began to learn to forgive, to love. Ten years later, here I am. I can't always make sense of Jesus. I can't always wrap my head around the truth of the Gospel. But I can say that that I was blind, and now I see. I can say that if Jesus were not from God, He could do nothing. I can say that the evidence speaks. How about you? Are there places in your life that God has so clearly worked that it assuages doubt in your heart and mind?

And we're back!

Welcome back to Merry Happy! My writing this last year took a much more personal and private turn than is typical for me. I will be posting more about the journey of this last year in an upcoming post, but for now know that the Lord brought forth deep rooted issues within my heart that needed to be faced and dealt with before being able to do anything more in any sort of public writing forum. I look forward to sharing more about this journey soon. I am so excited to move forward with Merry Happy in the hopes of joining you in your journey through this life. Happiness and joy are not founded in anything apart from Jesus Christ in the supreme place of our lives and hearts, and all that demands and requires. Let's continue walking forward together...

Do It Now!

I used to work with a direct sales company that was a very optimistic and positive environment. Professionally, the job provided me with greater coaching, mentorship, and training than any other position I’ve held. I recall being at a conference in Charlotte, North Carolina and hearing one of the leaders of this company challenge me to be a part of the “Din Din Club. Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” Do not put off what can be done today. The discipline to use our time effectively today has an exponential impact on what will have been accomplished for our future. If we run today, we will have some immediate benefit: endorphins, higher energy levels, better sleep, and an immediate sense of self-confidence. If we run every day for three months, the benefit compounds to even greater payoff and results. Similarly, when we discipline ourselves to invest time into the things that are most important to us on a daily basis, we will not only experience immediate benefits, but compounded benefits long term.
I am not suggesting that every little thing that needs to be done be done immediately. That would deter from the point I am trying to make. Instead, live according to your priorities and do not procrastinate the steps and daily “to-do’s” that line up with them. Maybe it’s a career goal that requires small steps that will accumulate to great pay off. Maybe it’s daily, disciplined investment into your nutrition and health choices. Perhaps it is taking the time out of the consuming busyness we all experience to spend intentional time with your children each day, knowing that you aren’t going to remember doing the laundry in twenty years, but you and your children will remember your times together. Maybe it’s taking the time to write a thank you card, or a note of encouragement to an estranged friend to invest in that relationship. My prayer is that you would hunger for the Lord, and know that strategic, intentional time each day with Him will lead to the life of Joy He has promised. Like any relationship, the more invested we are with Him, the more intimate and satisfying it will be. Whatever your personal goals and priorities, life your life accordingly, and do it NOW. The long term pay off of your choosing to strategically invest your own life and into the lives of others will have long-term benefits that outweigh the exercise it will take to make the decision today.

The Power of Perspective

I was grocery shopping yesterday during a relatively busy time of day. There were several people ahead of me in the check-out line, and I didn’t have my son with me, so I was actually able to hear what people around me were saying. I began hearing the cashier yell over his shoulder to his co-worker that he only had 20 minutes until he was free. As he continued to work and “serve” the customers in his lane, he mentioned his imminent “freedom” several times. My instinctive thought was, “How unprofessional and rude. Someone should tell his manager that customers feel more burdensome than authentically served.” Compassion settled in, realizing that the cashier was probably only 16 or 17 years old. When it was my turn to be checked out, I asked the young man how he was doing. “Good….better in 20 minutes when I’m out of here” was his reply. Rather than correct him, or “teach him from my infinite professional wisdom” I simply responded with, “I understand. Well, hey. You have the opportunity to serve people and make their days a little brighter, so even the next 20 minutes can be good.” The young man looked surprised---not offended, but like a light bulb went off. He cocked his head to one side, and simply said, “You know, I’ve never thought of it that way before. I guess you’re right!” Maybe we all just need a little perspective to truly enjoy the moments that create days, that create years, that create legacies. Are we truly delving into what is before us?

Book Spotlight: The 4:8 Principle

One of the most meaningful books I have ever read is The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry. No other book has so practically challenged me, and quite literally, my way of thinking. Tommy Newberry is a renowned Christian life-coach based in the Atlanta area. This book is based upon Philippians 4:8 which says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Newberry empowers his readers to take ownership and personal responsibility for their thought life, and thus their overall happiness and satisfaction.

Our thoughts impact our attitudes which impact our actions which impact our lives. In his book, Newberry states, that “all lasting change is preceded by changed thinking.” I first read that sentence about a year and a half ago, and a journey began to exercise intentional, positive thinking. I recently returned to work as an admissions counselor at Liberty University. I am in the same position that I held two years ago---prior to becoming a mother to my now 18 month old son. I was recently told by my supervisor that I am more joyful, positive, and in general pleasant than I was before I left for maternity leave. He went on to explain that I was always a “nice” person, but that things are more predictably positive with me. Wow. Apparently this is having an impact on the person I am becoming! Am I perfect? No. Do I find myself wrestling myself during bad moods? Absolutely! However, the fight for joy, and the fight to feel better more often is increasingly easier the more that I choose joy, and choose to think upon right things.

If you want to learn more about practical application from a field expert, I highly encourage you to check out Tommy Newberry’s book! Visit http://www.the48principle.com/ for more information!

To Know His Love

I have been away from the blogging scene for quite a while. It really wasn't intentional; I actually thought of writing often, but to sit down and do so has been challenging, on top of going through a "blank canvas" period, and having no inspiration. I am learning to juggle more things now than I could six months ago. Crazy what a baby will do! :) Even more crazy that my baby is officially a toddler, and is two weeks shy of his first birthday. My goodness.

This morning felt much like a hangover of bad emotions from yesterday. Anyone that has read my previous posts knows that I have a fear of severe weather. A calm thunderstorm is one thing, but you throw the word "tornado" anywhere into the mix, and I start convincing myself to move to Seattle. They have only had five tornados since 1950. I am kidding...I don't become so irrational as to actually consider moving, but I do get nervous. I have for as long as I can remember, but since I have become a mom, it is magnified. If I am honest, it's ridiculous.

So between the media, and the clouds forming overhead yesterday, I mentally prepared for the worst. I imagine roofs getting blown off, siding being torn away, and me trying to cover a squirming child. Imagine how silly I felt last night when we got....rain. That's right. Rain. Not a single utterance of thunder. As I reflected on the day, I realized just how much I doubt God. Specifically, I doubt that He really loves me. My fears yesterday were rooted in the subconscious notion that God had given up on me; I will never become the person that He created me to be, and I am a lost cause. Wow. Pretty harsh, huh? Just keeping it real in hopes that someone reading this will say, "I understand. I feel that way too." Reader, you are not alone. But here is the glorious part. We are so wrong. I am so wrong. I sat down this morning and read through the book of 1 John in its entirety. Talk about humbling. God is love. God loves us. He LOVES us, and He wants us to know without a shadow of a doubt that He LOVES; that He IS love. He doesn't want to leave any room for thinking, guessing, or assuming that He loves us. He wants us to be completely covered through and through wih the rich knowledge of that fact. John Mark McMillan wrote a song about the loss of one of his dearest friends. This song has become an anthem in many churches, and one line in particular declares, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us." Powerful stuff right there. I don't have time to regret, to fear, to hate, to envy, to boast, to hurt when I think about the way that He loves us. His love may allow us to experience tragedy. There are no guarantees that a tornado will not rip through my neighborhood and destroy everything. But this I know, that God is good, and as Job declared in the midst of sickness, loss, tragedy and more, "He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." He does not change. His love is stronger than the hurricanes, and more glorious than the heavens. And we are His. "Behold what manner of love the Father has given to us that we should be called the sons of God."

Run Hard. Love Strong.

Does anyone else struggle with comparing themselves to others? Goodness knows that I do. I look at some person that I admire and wonder why I can't be like that, why I can't be so beautiful, talented, have that wonderful family, grace, faith...

If anyone is reading this and nodding in agreement, I hope that you are encouraged that you are not alone. I was reminded of the verse of scripture that says that no struggle has come upon you that is not common to humanity. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

As I was drying my hair this morning (glorious white noise of a hair dryer allows free-flowing thought), I felt the gentle nudging of God reminding me to run my race. Run to win. Run hard. Running to win requires focus on my path. If I were running a literal race, my focus could not be on any other person if I expected to run well. Horses running races have blinders put next to their eyes to block out distractions. I need some blinders.

When we focus on what we think we lack in comparison to others, we lose all perspective of what we do have. We become depressed, and obsessed with idolizing that person in our minds. We place them on a pedestal, an unrealistic one might I add. When I have that person in my mind, it is usually someone that I either do not know at all, or am merely acquainted with. Surely if we really knew that person, we would see that they are imperfect, sometimes selfish, not always dressed up, and yes, they too struggle in marriage and other relationships. They get stressed, they fall short. They very well may even struggle with exactly what we are talking about: self-comparison.

Here's the problem--this behavior is emotional suicide! We lose ourselves and the joy of the lives that we have been given in this fictional image of another person! The enemy of our souls rages against us and robs us of all joy by whispering that seductive lie: "If you were only like HER, you would be happy, content, joyful. If your husband looked like THAT. If you had THAT talent. If you had THAT personality. If you had THIS many facebook friends. If you held THAT title, then life would be good." Dear friend, hear me now---let's put down the vile of poison. Let's put up our spiritual blinders and run the race set before us, fixing our eyes upon Jesus---the author and finisher of our faith.

Peter compared himself to John. He saw the disciple that Jesus loved, and after all that Jesus had done to restore Peter personally, still asked Jesus, "Well, what about that guy? Why can't I do what he is doing." Jesus, direct as He is, cut to the chase. He looked at Peter and said, "Don't worry about him. YOU follow me." That is our call. YOU (Me) follow Him. Today. Now.

Scripture reminds us that we are equipped for everything that God has for us. We have been given everything for life and godliness. Seek the shelter of the Good Shepherd that fights off our enemy that steals, kills, and destroys life and joy. Claim what has been given to you in Christ, and know that you are uniquely and wonderfully made.

Let us pray for hearts that understand greater what Christ has accomplished for us. Let us look to Him and stand in awe at who HE is, rather than the life of so-and-so. Let us be amazed that not only is Christ so wonderful, but He is intimately involved in our lives. He is humble, and loves us. THAT is truly worthy of gratitude. Let us pray for understanding of what this means so that we are no longer tempted to be ungrateful for the lives that we as individuals have been given, or to idolize the imperfect lives of others.

Does My Life Matter, and Other Questions I can't Google

Before I begin this entry, let me first just point out what an amazing cultural phenomenon Google.com has become. The term "google" has literally transcended the form of a proper noun to what is now a common place verb.

I don't think that the questions I ask are rare. I don't think that I am alone when I ask, "Does my life matter? Am I making an impact? Am I at least moving in the right direction for something greater?" I think most of us ask ourselves those questions, and I think that most of us find ourselves in ruts of despair and finally settle into thinking that the questions will be left unanswered. Allow me to be transparent: I'm there right now. I find myself daily asking if this day-to-day living makes a difference. I find myself wondering if these things that seem so mundane are moving me in the right direction of leaving a legacy. Does it matter that the majority of my days right now are spent producing milk for a 3 month old? Does it matter that I work hard to stay caught up with laundry, dishes, and errands? Do my coffee dates with girlfriends make a difference in anything? What about my prayers---are those hitting the ceiling? Do all of the conversations about our desires to serve and be used matter for my husband and I? My flesh tells me that they don't matter. It's too small, too ordinary, too mundane to matter. I need to do more, be more, love more, serve more. But my faith tells me differently. My faith tells me that every breath matters. Every day counts. And my God loves me so much that the life that He gave to me is intentional. Often, my flesh FEELS like 90% of my thoughts, and my faith 10%. I feel bogged down by my blindness. But I believe with all of my heart that questions will be answered through my faith, and that yours can too. The Creator of the Universe---the Creator of you and me---He is the one that has the answers.

Sometimes I wish God had a search engine. I wish I could go to answersinJesus.com and type in, "Why did you create me?" and pull up a reference from God Himself that says, "Haley was born on November 21, 1985 so that I could use her to ________________________." Can I get a witness?

But here I am. On a journey that I believe will lead me home, and that does, in fact, have a purpose for the Kingdom of God. That purpose may turn out to be completely different than what I imagine, but as my husband has told me so many times, if that is the case it will be even better. Now, I just need to learn to trust the Lord (surely I am not the only one that has a hard time with this one), and live obediently in those things that seem so ordinary.
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The Meaning of Sacrifice

One word has come to mind over and over these last few days: sacrifice.

I was reading in Hebrews 13 this morning where, presumably Paul (though the author is unknown), says, "For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come. Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name." This follows a passage exhorting believers to be content with what they have and to not be covetous of what they do not have, remembering that God has promised to never leave or forsake His children. Psalm 84 reminds us that we are pilgrims en route to "home." En route--not yet arrived; this is not our home. I forget that. I hunger for all the wrong things: wealth, possessions, security in the number I see in my bank account... but the truth is that these things will not satiate my thirst, just like drinking gasoline will not satisfy my physical thirst. Rather, it will kill me. This is not it; we are on our way home, and our focus must be to sacrifice our lust for the praise of the one who gave it all for us.

Sacrifice can be defined as "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." As a mother, I will sacrifice my morning cup of coffee (trust me---a prized possession, no matter what anyone says) so that my son can eat when he is hungry, and be changed when he needs a new diaper. I am now accustomed to microwaving a cup of coffee no less than 2 times before being able to finish it. This is a petty example, but an exhibit of sacrifice none the less. My cup of coffee is of value to me personally, but my son's health and well-being has a higher and more pressing claim. It is far more valuable. Now, let's magnify this. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice for the salvation of all who would believe and follow Him. God watched His son go through 33 years of ridicule, mockery, and ultimately a brutal death. What a cost! But the cost was WORTH IT in the mind of the Almighty. He saw US---that's right! You and Me!---as a higher and more pressing claim that justified the sacrifice that has justified us! Sacrifice.

So back to Hebrews. Be content with such things as you have, offer the sacrifice of praise. What does this mean? Honestly, I'm wrestling through it. I'm not going to pretend to know something that I haven't come to understand. I do know that it means giving up something that I authentically prize for something that I hold as higher. I love the Lord. I follow Him. But I have never seen my praise to Him as a sacrifice--what am I going without to praise Him? Is it that I praise Him, worship Him, and give my all for Him in spite of what I feel like I do not have? Or in spite of conditions, circumstances, or other discomforts? That must be it. In spite of what may be happening (or not happening, depending on what I want at any given time), my heart should offer the sacrifice of praise.

Unfortunately, I fall short of offering such a sacrifice consistently. This must, however, be my focus, my mission, my true joy.

Today, I praise Him that my agenda is void--that this post has taken me 6 hours to complete, that I am finishing my cup of coffee at 4pm, that I am still living in Lynchburg, VA, that I had a baby one month after my one year anniversary, that my life is in His hands, that today is no accident...praise Him for sacrifice, for cost, for paying the cost. Praise Him.

God Must Be Proud

It is 6:16am. Logan and I are up for "first breakfast." I don't remember when I brought him into the living room. I think it was around 3, but my most coherent memory is waking up in the chair in our living room with Logan snuggled against my chest. I had to have been half asleep when I moved from the bedroom to the living room. Bizarre.

Logan will be six weeks old this Saturday. Wow. Six weeks ago today, I was still able to sleep past 5:30am. I'm used to it now though. It's so beautiful to see his personality starting to come out. He loves observing things. He loves looking at lights, and bright colors. He has started playing with Adam and I---kicking his arms and legs, and we've even gotten a few solid smiles out of him! Each day, I love that I have the privilege of watching him grow. I can't imagine letting this happen in a day care and missing it! It's so precious to be a part of this little man's growth! I love interacting with him. He's my little buddy :-) And I'm so proud of him. Every milestone that he reaches, every growth spurt, every new skill that he learns, I celebrate.

That got me thinking. Surely God, as the perfect Father, does the same with us. We are His children, and surely He celebrates our growth. He loves us unconditionally---ransomed by the blood of Jesus, and free of the Law----yet He grows us into His perfect image. He must be so pleased by His children's development.

I'm learning so much more about God now that I am a parent. I figured that I would, but it really is neat.

I decided to read the book of Judges. I've never read the entire book! I am amazed at God's perfect paternity. He gave Israel clear standards of right and wrong. As a Father, He had to allow consequences when Israel crossed the line. Yet, every time that Israel called out to Him, He rescued them. As parents, Adam and I will do our best to show Logan what is right and what is wrong. Inevitably, there will be times when Logan will choose wrong, even when the right decision is clear. Adam and I will have to allow consequences. We will have to allow Logan to suffer pain and difficulties as a result of his choices---not because we enjoy watching him squirm, but because he will have to learn why right is right, and wrong is wrong. But when he looks to us and says, "I need help. I was wrong," we will be right there to love him, and get him back on the right track.

I'm loving this. It's the most challenging calling I've ever been given. I can't have what I want, when I want it anymore. My six week old son dictates when I can read, when I can eat, when I can enjoy a cup of coffee, how long I can be out and about to run errands...I'm having to die to myself like no other time in my life. But I love it. It's so worth it to see him smile back at me.

Is it Thursday? Wait, no...Tuesday? Oh! It's Friday!

My days all blur together! It's Friday, but it feels like Thursday, and I can't remember what happened on Tuesday because Tuesday felt like Monday, Wednesday felt like it didn't happen, etc. etc. I'm not used to not being on a schedule. It's getting easier though.

I've been reading a phenomenal book called "The 4:8 Principle" by Tommy Newberry. I highly recommend it. The book is based on Philippians 4:8 which says, "Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy---meditate on these things." The book is about joy being within our grasp, not as a result of changed circumstances, but as a result of changed thinking. Far too often in my lifetime, I (like most) have been a slave to my emotions. If I FEEL negatively, life stinks and there is nothing I can do about it, except complain and FEEL. However, this book challenges that notion. What if joy has nothing to do with circumstances, but has everything to do with right thinking? God has given us permission to be joyful! He has given us freedom, and the power of His spirit to be full of joy, regardless of what is happening! But it takes our effort to meditate on the right things. We are what we think upon!

It is a mental exercise for me, to be sure. Waking up each morning saying, "I get to get out of bed," rather than, "I have to get out of bed," but day by day, it is easier. Very similar to physical exercise: the more often you do it, the easier it gets, and the better you feel. My attitude is within my control, and I am called to joy. Beautiful!

Logan is five weeks old tomorrow! He's getting big, and in so many ways I cannot fathom that 6 weeks ago, he was still in my belly! He is developing his own personality, and like his dad, enjoys observing things before engaging in them. He is fascinated by light and color. There is a painting in our dining room that is just abstract color, and he will just sit and look at that painting for minutes upon end. He is also captivated by a little black stereo that we have in our kitchen. Adam has promised to give it to him when he is old enough to appreciate it.

We are slowly but surely settling into a sense of normalcy in our family life. We have fought to meet our family value of having at least one meal together per day at a table, and we believe it is worth the fight. Adam and I are learning how to take advantage of the few free moments that we have at the same time to enjoy each other, connect, laugh, talk, catch up, pray together, and bask in our relationship. Before we ever found out we were pregnant, we decided together that when children did come along, our marriage would be a priority. If our marriage falls apart because we become too busy or distracted, we are doing our children no service at all. Our love for each other is worth the fight to know each other through the years, and with a newborn, it has been a fight. But by God's grace, we are doing it.

Sorry this post has been a little bit of a stream-of-consciousness entry; I'm lucky to be conscious at all! Logan just now settled into a deep nap. It's 3:20pm, and normally he has been sleeping for the last two hours! I'm going to go enjoy the remaining moments of his sleep---quietly.

Thanks for reading. Tune in next time for more ramblings.

Sometimes all you can do is laugh

Yesterday was quite the interesting day. Logan and I got up and met my mom and my aunt for a final shopping venture before they headed back to Tennessee. It was wonderful having them here. I love them both so much, and miss them terribly.

We figured out that my stroller isn't broken after all--simply a user-malfunction! haha. All this time I had been trying to attach the carrier into the stroller incorrectly, and I thought that a part was missing. While in Toys R Us, I had the notion to look at the strollers there, and aha! Saw my blunder. I was very excited to use my stroller for the first time :-) No more hauling the carrier everywhere! I have wheels!

Throughout the day, I could tell that Logan didn't feel well. He was fussy, and kept scrunching his little legs up to his belly. My mom bought infant gas drops, so I gave him the recommended dose. Within one hour, my son pooped 3 times. I'm not talking small diapers either. I'm talking, "Did that just come out of my 9 pound baby, can't even wrap the diaper up" kind of diapers. By the way, no one ever tells you that baby poop can shoot out across the changing table. Yeah. That happened. While I was cleaning up, Logan started spitting up and coughing, so I moved to the other end of his body to assist him and clean THAT up. While cleaning up the spit up, a stream started flying past my face. That's right. In a single changing session, I got pooped on, spit up on, and peed on. Awesome.

Within the following 30 minutes, Logan spit up everything he had eaten. I presume it was everything because it was several heaves, and projectile spit up going all over me, the couch, the floor, and the coffee table. Poor kid. What a rough afternoon! I text messaged Adam to keep him on alert that if this kept up, I was taking Logan to the doctor. Fortunately, after the next feeding, Logan kept everything down and was just fine. Just a little "blip" in the day.

Fast forward a few hours. Adam was at work until 9. I was home alone, and news flashes kept coming over the television that we were under a tornado watch. The meteorologist showed several tornadic events taking place in southern Virginia, and showed the path of the storm--moving our way. About 7:30, *beep*beep*beep*, "Campbell county is under tornado warning. Take cover..." yada yada yada. Little known fact about adult Haley---I have always been terrified of severe storms. I enjoy good summer storms with rolling thunder, but tornados, hail, wind, lighting, sharp/loud thunder...no way. I used to hide out in closets and dark hallways as a kid with my walkman turned up as loud as possible playing "The Lion King" soundtrack. As an adult, my feelings aren't too different. I've just gotten better at keeping myself composed. So back to last night. It's really rather comical. I took blankets, pillows, my cell phone, a bottle of milk for Logan, his diaper bag, his bouncer, and a pacifier into our interior bathroom to set up camp. There we were---my 1 month old son and I, camped out in a bathroom for 20 or 30 minutes, and no tornado. I mean, I guess I'd rather play it safe than sorry, but it really is entertaining now that I look back on it.

All of that to say that sometimes all you can do is laugh, and enjoy the ride. We are all doing well, and learning to adapt to this new life.