I have been away from the blogging scene for quite a while. It really wasn't intentional; I actually thought of writing often, but to sit down and do so has been challenging, on top of going through a "blank canvas" period, and having no inspiration. I am learning to juggle more things now than I could six months ago. Crazy what a baby will do! :) Even more crazy that my baby is officially a toddler, and is two weeks shy of his first birthday. My goodness.
This morning felt much like a hangover of bad emotions from yesterday. Anyone that has read my previous posts knows that I have a fear of severe weather. A calm thunderstorm is one thing, but you throw the word "tornado" anywhere into the mix, and I start convincing myself to move to Seattle. They have only had five tornados since 1950. I am kidding...I don't become so irrational as to actually consider moving, but I do get nervous. I have for as long as I can remember, but since I have become a mom, it is magnified. If I am honest, it's ridiculous.
So between the media, and the clouds forming overhead yesterday, I mentally prepared for the worst. I imagine roofs getting blown off, siding being torn away, and me trying to cover a squirming child. Imagine how silly I felt last night when we got....rain. That's right. Rain. Not a single utterance of thunder. As I reflected on the day, I realized just how much I doubt God. Specifically, I doubt that He really loves me. My fears yesterday were rooted in the subconscious notion that God had given up on me; I will never become the person that He created me to be, and I am a lost cause. Wow. Pretty harsh, huh? Just keeping it real in hopes that someone reading this will say, "I understand. I feel that way too." Reader, you are not alone. But here is the glorious part. We are so wrong. I am so wrong. I sat down this morning and read through the book of 1 John in its entirety. Talk about humbling. God is love. God loves us. He LOVES us, and He wants us to know without a shadow of a doubt that He LOVES; that He IS love. He doesn't want to leave any room for thinking, guessing, or assuming that He loves us. He wants us to be completely covered through and through wih the rich knowledge of that fact. John Mark McMillan wrote a song about the loss of one of his dearest friends. This song has become an anthem in many churches, and one line in particular declares, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us." Powerful stuff right there. I don't have time to regret, to fear, to hate, to envy, to boast, to hurt when I think about the way that He loves us. His love may allow us to experience tragedy. There are no guarantees that a tornado will not rip through my neighborhood and destroy everything. But this I know, that God is good, and as Job declared in the midst of sickness, loss, tragedy and more, "He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." He does not change. His love is stronger than the hurricanes, and more glorious than the heavens. And we are His. "Behold what manner of love the Father has given to us that we should be called the sons of God."
