Does anyone else struggle with comparing themselves to others? Goodness knows that I do. I look at some person that I admire and wonder why I can't be like that, why I can't be so beautiful, talented, have that wonderful family, grace, faith...
If anyone is reading this and nodding in agreement, I hope that you are encouraged that you are not alone. I was reminded of the verse of scripture that says that no struggle has come upon you that is not common to humanity. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
As I was drying my hair this morning (glorious white noise of a hair dryer allows free-flowing thought), I felt the gentle nudging of God reminding me to run my race. Run to win. Run hard. Running to win requires focus on my path. If I were running a literal race, my focus could not be on any other person if I expected to run well. Horses running races have blinders put next to their eyes to block out distractions. I need some blinders.
When we focus on what we think we lack in comparison to others, we lose all perspective of what we do have. We become depressed, and obsessed with idolizing that person in our minds. We place them on a pedestal, an unrealistic one might I add. When I have that person in my mind, it is usually someone that I either do not know at all, or am merely acquainted with. Surely if we really knew that person, we would see that they are imperfect, sometimes selfish, not always dressed up, and yes, they too struggle in marriage and other relationships. They get stressed, they fall short. They very well may even struggle with exactly what we are talking about: self-comparison.
Here's the problem--this behavior is emotional suicide! We lose ourselves and the joy of the lives that we have been given in this fictional image of another person! The enemy of our souls rages against us and robs us of all joy by whispering that seductive lie: "If you were only like HER, you would be happy, content, joyful. If your husband looked like THAT. If you had THAT talent. If you had THAT personality. If you had THIS many facebook friends. If you held THAT title, then life would be good." Dear friend, hear me now---let's put down the vile of poison. Let's put up our spiritual blinders and run the race set before us, fixing our eyes upon Jesus---the author and finisher of our faith.
Peter compared himself to John. He saw the disciple that Jesus loved, and after all that Jesus had done to restore Peter personally, still asked Jesus, "Well, what about that guy? Why can't I do what he is doing." Jesus, direct as He is, cut to the chase. He looked at Peter and said, "Don't worry about him. YOU follow me." That is our call. YOU (Me) follow Him. Today. Now.
Scripture reminds us that we are equipped for everything that God has for us. We have been given everything for life and godliness. Seek the shelter of the Good Shepherd that fights off our enemy that steals, kills, and destroys life and joy. Claim what has been given to you in Christ, and know that you are uniquely and wonderfully made.
Let us pray for hearts that understand greater what Christ has accomplished for us. Let us look to Him and stand in awe at who HE is, rather than the life of so-and-so. Let us be amazed that not only is Christ so wonderful, but He is intimately involved in our lives. He is humble, and loves us. THAT is truly worthy of gratitude. Let us pray for understanding of what this means so that we are no longer tempted to be ungrateful for the lives that we as individuals have been given, or to idolize the imperfect lives of others.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Does My Life Matter, and Other Questions I can't Google
Before I begin this entry, let me first just point out what an amazing cultural phenomenon Google.com has become. The term "google" has literally transcended the form of a proper noun to what is now a common place verb.
I don't think that the questions I ask are rare. I don't think that I am alone when I ask, "Does my life matter? Am I making an impact? Am I at least moving in the right direction for something greater?" I think most of us ask ourselves those questions, and I think that most of us find ourselves in ruts of despair and finally settle into thinking that the questions will be left unanswered. Allow me to be transparent: I'm there right now. I find myself daily asking if this day-to-day living makes a difference. I find myself wondering if these things that seem so mundane are moving me in the right direction of leaving a legacy. Does it matter that the majority of my days right now are spent producing milk for a 3 month old? Does it matter that I work hard to stay caught up with laundry, dishes, and errands? Do my coffee dates with girlfriends make a difference in anything? What about my prayers---are those hitting the ceiling? Do all of the conversations about our desires to serve and be used matter for my husband and I? My flesh tells me that they don't matter. It's too small, too ordinary, too mundane to matter. I need to do more, be more, love more, serve more. But my faith tells me differently. My faith tells me that every breath matters. Every day counts. And my God loves me so much that the life that He gave to me is intentional. Often, my flesh FEELS like 90% of my thoughts, and my faith 10%. I feel bogged down by my blindness. But I believe with all of my heart that questions will be answered through my faith, and that yours can too. The Creator of the Universe---the Creator of you and me---He is the one that has the answers.
Sometimes I wish God had a search engine. I wish I could go to answersinJesus.com and type in, "Why did you create me?" and pull up a reference from God Himself that says, "Haley was born on November 21, 1985 so that I could use her to ________________________." Can I get a witness?
But here I am. On a journey that I believe will lead me home, and that does, in fact, have a purpose for the Kingdom of God. That purpose may turn out to be completely different than what I imagine, but as my husband has told me so many times, if that is the case it will be even better. Now, I just need to learn to trust the Lord (surely I am not the only one that has a hard time with this one), and live obediently in those things that seem so ordinary.
h some of you
I don't think that the questions I ask are rare. I don't think that I am alone when I ask, "Does my life matter? Am I making an impact? Am I at least moving in the right direction for something greater?" I think most of us ask ourselves those questions, and I think that most of us find ourselves in ruts of despair and finally settle into thinking that the questions will be left unanswered. Allow me to be transparent: I'm there right now. I find myself daily asking if this day-to-day living makes a difference. I find myself wondering if these things that seem so mundane are moving me in the right direction of leaving a legacy. Does it matter that the majority of my days right now are spent producing milk for a 3 month old? Does it matter that I work hard to stay caught up with laundry, dishes, and errands? Do my coffee dates with girlfriends make a difference in anything? What about my prayers---are those hitting the ceiling? Do all of the conversations about our desires to serve and be used matter for my husband and I? My flesh tells me that they don't matter. It's too small, too ordinary, too mundane to matter. I need to do more, be more, love more, serve more. But my faith tells me differently. My faith tells me that every breath matters. Every day counts. And my God loves me so much that the life that He gave to me is intentional. Often, my flesh FEELS like 90% of my thoughts, and my faith 10%. I feel bogged down by my blindness. But I believe with all of my heart that questions will be answered through my faith, and that yours can too. The Creator of the Universe---the Creator of you and me---He is the one that has the answers.
Sometimes I wish God had a search engine. I wish I could go to answersinJesus.com and type in, "Why did you create me?" and pull up a reference from God Himself that says, "Haley was born on November 21, 1985 so that I could use her to ________________________." Can I get a witness?
But here I am. On a journey that I believe will lead me home, and that does, in fact, have a purpose for the Kingdom of God. That purpose may turn out to be completely different than what I imagine, but as my husband has told me so many times, if that is the case it will be even better. Now, I just need to learn to trust the Lord (surely I am not the only one that has a hard time with this one), and live obediently in those things that seem so ordinary.
h some of you
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Meaning of Sacrifice
One word has come to mind over and over these last few days: sacrifice.
I was reading in Hebrews 13 this morning where, presumably Paul (though the author is unknown), says, "For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come. Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name." This follows a passage exhorting believers to be content with what they have and to not be covetous of what they do not have, remembering that God has promised to never leave or forsake His children. Psalm 84 reminds us that we are pilgrims en route to "home." En route--not yet arrived; this is not our home. I forget that. I hunger for all the wrong things: wealth, possessions, security in the number I see in my bank account... but the truth is that these things will not satiate my thirst, just like drinking gasoline will not satisfy my physical thirst. Rather, it will kill me. This is not it; we are on our way home, and our focus must be to sacrifice our lust for the praise of the one who gave it all for us.
Sacrifice can be defined as "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." As a mother, I will sacrifice my morning cup of coffee (trust me---a prized possession, no matter what anyone says) so that my son can eat when he is hungry, and be changed when he needs a new diaper. I am now accustomed to microwaving a cup of coffee no less than 2 times before being able to finish it. This is a petty example, but an exhibit of sacrifice none the less. My cup of coffee is of value to me personally, but my son's health and well-being has a higher and more pressing claim. It is far more valuable. Now, let's magnify this. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice for the salvation of all who would believe and follow Him. God watched His son go through 33 years of ridicule, mockery, and ultimately a brutal death. What a cost! But the cost was WORTH IT in the mind of the Almighty. He saw US---that's right! You and Me!---as a higher and more pressing claim that justified the sacrifice that has justified us! Sacrifice.
So back to Hebrews. Be content with such things as you have, offer the sacrifice of praise. What does this mean? Honestly, I'm wrestling through it. I'm not going to pretend to know something that I haven't come to understand. I do know that it means giving up something that I authentically prize for something that I hold as higher. I love the Lord. I follow Him. But I have never seen my praise to Him as a sacrifice--what am I going without to praise Him? Is it that I praise Him, worship Him, and give my all for Him in spite of what I feel like I do not have? Or in spite of conditions, circumstances, or other discomforts? That must be it. In spite of what may be happening (or not happening, depending on what I want at any given time), my heart should offer the sacrifice of praise.
Unfortunately, I fall short of offering such a sacrifice consistently. This must, however, be my focus, my mission, my true joy.
Today, I praise Him that my agenda is void--that this post has taken me 6 hours to complete, that I am finishing my cup of coffee at 4pm, that I am still living in Lynchburg, VA, that I had a baby one month after my one year anniversary, that my life is in His hands, that today is no accident...praise Him for sacrifice, for cost, for paying the cost. Praise Him.
I was reading in Hebrews 13 this morning where, presumably Paul (though the author is unknown), says, "For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come. Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name." This follows a passage exhorting believers to be content with what they have and to not be covetous of what they do not have, remembering that God has promised to never leave or forsake His children. Psalm 84 reminds us that we are pilgrims en route to "home." En route--not yet arrived; this is not our home. I forget that. I hunger for all the wrong things: wealth, possessions, security in the number I see in my bank account... but the truth is that these things will not satiate my thirst, just like drinking gasoline will not satisfy my physical thirst. Rather, it will kill me. This is not it; we are on our way home, and our focus must be to sacrifice our lust for the praise of the one who gave it all for us.
Sacrifice can be defined as "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." As a mother, I will sacrifice my morning cup of coffee (trust me---a prized possession, no matter what anyone says) so that my son can eat when he is hungry, and be changed when he needs a new diaper. I am now accustomed to microwaving a cup of coffee no less than 2 times before being able to finish it. This is a petty example, but an exhibit of sacrifice none the less. My cup of coffee is of value to me personally, but my son's health and well-being has a higher and more pressing claim. It is far more valuable. Now, let's magnify this. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice for the salvation of all who would believe and follow Him. God watched His son go through 33 years of ridicule, mockery, and ultimately a brutal death. What a cost! But the cost was WORTH IT in the mind of the Almighty. He saw US---that's right! You and Me!---as a higher and more pressing claim that justified the sacrifice that has justified us! Sacrifice.
So back to Hebrews. Be content with such things as you have, offer the sacrifice of praise. What does this mean? Honestly, I'm wrestling through it. I'm not going to pretend to know something that I haven't come to understand. I do know that it means giving up something that I authentically prize for something that I hold as higher. I love the Lord. I follow Him. But I have never seen my praise to Him as a sacrifice--what am I going without to praise Him? Is it that I praise Him, worship Him, and give my all for Him in spite of what I feel like I do not have? Or in spite of conditions, circumstances, or other discomforts? That must be it. In spite of what may be happening (or not happening, depending on what I want at any given time), my heart should offer the sacrifice of praise.
Unfortunately, I fall short of offering such a sacrifice consistently. This must, however, be my focus, my mission, my true joy.
Today, I praise Him that my agenda is void--that this post has taken me 6 hours to complete, that I am finishing my cup of coffee at 4pm, that I am still living in Lynchburg, VA, that I had a baby one month after my one year anniversary, that my life is in His hands, that today is no accident...praise Him for sacrifice, for cost, for paying the cost. Praise Him.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
God Must Be Proud
It is 6:16am. Logan and I are up for "first breakfast." I don't remember when I brought him into the living room. I think it was around 3, but my most coherent memory is waking up in the chair in our living room with Logan snuggled against my chest. I had to have been half asleep when I moved from the bedroom to the living room. Bizarre.
Logan will be six weeks old this Saturday. Wow. Six weeks ago today, I was still able to sleep past 5:30am. I'm used to it now though. It's so beautiful to see his personality starting to come out. He loves observing things. He loves looking at lights, and bright colors. He has started playing with Adam and I---kicking his arms and legs, and we've even gotten a few solid smiles out of him! Each day, I love that I have the privilege of watching him grow. I can't imagine letting this happen in a day care and missing it! It's so precious to be a part of this little man's growth! I love interacting with him. He's my little buddy :-) And I'm so proud of him. Every milestone that he reaches, every growth spurt, every new skill that he learns, I celebrate.
That got me thinking. Surely God, as the perfect Father, does the same with us. We are His children, and surely He celebrates our growth. He loves us unconditionally---ransomed by the blood of Jesus, and free of the Law----yet He grows us into His perfect image. He must be so pleased by His children's development.
I'm learning so much more about God now that I am a parent. I figured that I would, but it really is neat.
I decided to read the book of Judges. I've never read the entire book! I am amazed at God's perfect paternity. He gave Israel clear standards of right and wrong. As a Father, He had to allow consequences when Israel crossed the line. Yet, every time that Israel called out to Him, He rescued them. As parents, Adam and I will do our best to show Logan what is right and what is wrong. Inevitably, there will be times when Logan will choose wrong, even when the right decision is clear. Adam and I will have to allow consequences. We will have to allow Logan to suffer pain and difficulties as a result of his choices---not because we enjoy watching him squirm, but because he will have to learn why right is right, and wrong is wrong. But when he looks to us and says, "I need help. I was wrong," we will be right there to love him, and get him back on the right track.
I'm loving this. It's the most challenging calling I've ever been given. I can't have what I want, when I want it anymore. My six week old son dictates when I can read, when I can eat, when I can enjoy a cup of coffee, how long I can be out and about to run errands...I'm having to die to myself like no other time in my life. But I love it. It's so worth it to see him smile back at me.
Logan will be six weeks old this Saturday. Wow. Six weeks ago today, I was still able to sleep past 5:30am. I'm used to it now though. It's so beautiful to see his personality starting to come out. He loves observing things. He loves looking at lights, and bright colors. He has started playing with Adam and I---kicking his arms and legs, and we've even gotten a few solid smiles out of him! Each day, I love that I have the privilege of watching him grow. I can't imagine letting this happen in a day care and missing it! It's so precious to be a part of this little man's growth! I love interacting with him. He's my little buddy :-) And I'm so proud of him. Every milestone that he reaches, every growth spurt, every new skill that he learns, I celebrate.
That got me thinking. Surely God, as the perfect Father, does the same with us. We are His children, and surely He celebrates our growth. He loves us unconditionally---ransomed by the blood of Jesus, and free of the Law----yet He grows us into His perfect image. He must be so pleased by His children's development.
I'm learning so much more about God now that I am a parent. I figured that I would, but it really is neat.
I decided to read the book of Judges. I've never read the entire book! I am amazed at God's perfect paternity. He gave Israel clear standards of right and wrong. As a Father, He had to allow consequences when Israel crossed the line. Yet, every time that Israel called out to Him, He rescued them. As parents, Adam and I will do our best to show Logan what is right and what is wrong. Inevitably, there will be times when Logan will choose wrong, even when the right decision is clear. Adam and I will have to allow consequences. We will have to allow Logan to suffer pain and difficulties as a result of his choices---not because we enjoy watching him squirm, but because he will have to learn why right is right, and wrong is wrong. But when he looks to us and says, "I need help. I was wrong," we will be right there to love him, and get him back on the right track.
I'm loving this. It's the most challenging calling I've ever been given. I can't have what I want, when I want it anymore. My six week old son dictates when I can read, when I can eat, when I can enjoy a cup of coffee, how long I can be out and about to run errands...I'm having to die to myself like no other time in my life. But I love it. It's so worth it to see him smile back at me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Is it Thursday? Wait, no...Tuesday? Oh! It's Friday!
My days all blur together! It's Friday, but it feels like Thursday, and I can't remember what happened on Tuesday because Tuesday felt like Monday, Wednesday felt like it didn't happen, etc. etc. I'm not used to not being on a schedule. It's getting easier though.
I've been reading a phenomenal book called "The 4:8 Principle" by Tommy Newberry. I highly recommend it. The book is based on Philippians 4:8 which says, "Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy---meditate on these things." The book is about joy being within our grasp, not as a result of changed circumstances, but as a result of changed thinking. Far too often in my lifetime, I (like most) have been a slave to my emotions. If I FEEL negatively, life stinks and there is nothing I can do about it, except complain and FEEL. However, this book challenges that notion. What if joy has nothing to do with circumstances, but has everything to do with right thinking? God has given us permission to be joyful! He has given us freedom, and the power of His spirit to be full of joy, regardless of what is happening! But it takes our effort to meditate on the right things. We are what we think upon!
It is a mental exercise for me, to be sure. Waking up each morning saying, "I get to get out of bed," rather than, "I have to get out of bed," but day by day, it is easier. Very similar to physical exercise: the more often you do it, the easier it gets, and the better you feel. My attitude is within my control, and I am called to joy. Beautiful!
Logan is five weeks old tomorrow! He's getting big, and in so many ways I cannot fathom that 6 weeks ago, he was still in my belly! He is developing his own personality, and like his dad, enjoys observing things before engaging in them. He is fascinated by light and color. There is a painting in our dining room that is just abstract color, and he will just sit and look at that painting for minutes upon end. He is also captivated by a little black stereo that we have in our kitchen. Adam has promised to give it to him when he is old enough to appreciate it.
We are slowly but surely settling into a sense of normalcy in our family life. We have fought to meet our family value of having at least one meal together per day at a table, and we believe it is worth the fight. Adam and I are learning how to take advantage of the few free moments that we have at the same time to enjoy each other, connect, laugh, talk, catch up, pray together, and bask in our relationship. Before we ever found out we were pregnant, we decided together that when children did come along, our marriage would be a priority. If our marriage falls apart because we become too busy or distracted, we are doing our children no service at all. Our love for each other is worth the fight to know each other through the years, and with a newborn, it has been a fight. But by God's grace, we are doing it.
Sorry this post has been a little bit of a stream-of-consciousness entry; I'm lucky to be conscious at all! Logan just now settled into a deep nap. It's 3:20pm, and normally he has been sleeping for the last two hours! I'm going to go enjoy the remaining moments of his sleep---quietly.
Thanks for reading. Tune in next time for more ramblings.
I've been reading a phenomenal book called "The 4:8 Principle" by Tommy Newberry. I highly recommend it. The book is based on Philippians 4:8 which says, "Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy---meditate on these things." The book is about joy being within our grasp, not as a result of changed circumstances, but as a result of changed thinking. Far too often in my lifetime, I (like most) have been a slave to my emotions. If I FEEL negatively, life stinks and there is nothing I can do about it, except complain and FEEL. However, this book challenges that notion. What if joy has nothing to do with circumstances, but has everything to do with right thinking? God has given us permission to be joyful! He has given us freedom, and the power of His spirit to be full of joy, regardless of what is happening! But it takes our effort to meditate on the right things. We are what we think upon!
It is a mental exercise for me, to be sure. Waking up each morning saying, "I get to get out of bed," rather than, "I have to get out of bed," but day by day, it is easier. Very similar to physical exercise: the more often you do it, the easier it gets, and the better you feel. My attitude is within my control, and I am called to joy. Beautiful!
Logan is five weeks old tomorrow! He's getting big, and in so many ways I cannot fathom that 6 weeks ago, he was still in my belly! He is developing his own personality, and like his dad, enjoys observing things before engaging in them. He is fascinated by light and color. There is a painting in our dining room that is just abstract color, and he will just sit and look at that painting for minutes upon end. He is also captivated by a little black stereo that we have in our kitchen. Adam has promised to give it to him when he is old enough to appreciate it.
We are slowly but surely settling into a sense of normalcy in our family life. We have fought to meet our family value of having at least one meal together per day at a table, and we believe it is worth the fight. Adam and I are learning how to take advantage of the few free moments that we have at the same time to enjoy each other, connect, laugh, talk, catch up, pray together, and bask in our relationship. Before we ever found out we were pregnant, we decided together that when children did come along, our marriage would be a priority. If our marriage falls apart because we become too busy or distracted, we are doing our children no service at all. Our love for each other is worth the fight to know each other through the years, and with a newborn, it has been a fight. But by God's grace, we are doing it.
Sorry this post has been a little bit of a stream-of-consciousness entry; I'm lucky to be conscious at all! Logan just now settled into a deep nap. It's 3:20pm, and normally he has been sleeping for the last two hours! I'm going to go enjoy the remaining moments of his sleep---quietly.
Thanks for reading. Tune in next time for more ramblings.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Sometimes all you can do is laugh
Yesterday was quite the interesting day. Logan and I got up and met my mom and my aunt for a final shopping venture before they headed back to Tennessee. It was wonderful having them here. I love them both so much, and miss them terribly.
We figured out that my stroller isn't broken after all--simply a user-malfunction! haha. All this time I had been trying to attach the carrier into the stroller incorrectly, and I thought that a part was missing. While in Toys R Us, I had the notion to look at the strollers there, and aha! Saw my blunder. I was very excited to use my stroller for the first time :-) No more hauling the carrier everywhere! I have wheels!
Throughout the day, I could tell that Logan didn't feel well. He was fussy, and kept scrunching his little legs up to his belly. My mom bought infant gas drops, so I gave him the recommended dose. Within one hour, my son pooped 3 times. I'm not talking small diapers either. I'm talking, "Did that just come out of my 9 pound baby, can't even wrap the diaper up" kind of diapers. By the way, no one ever tells you that baby poop can shoot out across the changing table. Yeah. That happened. While I was cleaning up, Logan started spitting up and coughing, so I moved to the other end of his body to assist him and clean THAT up. While cleaning up the spit up, a stream started flying past my face. That's right. In a single changing session, I got pooped on, spit up on, and peed on. Awesome.
Within the following 30 minutes, Logan spit up everything he had eaten. I presume it was everything because it was several heaves, and projectile spit up going all over me, the couch, the floor, and the coffee table. Poor kid. What a rough afternoon! I text messaged Adam to keep him on alert that if this kept up, I was taking Logan to the doctor. Fortunately, after the next feeding, Logan kept everything down and was just fine. Just a little "blip" in the day.
Fast forward a few hours. Adam was at work until 9. I was home alone, and news flashes kept coming over the television that we were under a tornado watch. The meteorologist showed several tornadic events taking place in southern Virginia, and showed the path of the storm--moving our way. About 7:30, *beep*beep*beep*, "Campbell county is under tornado warning. Take cover..." yada yada yada. Little known fact about adult Haley---I have always been terrified of severe storms. I enjoy good summer storms with rolling thunder, but tornados, hail, wind, lighting, sharp/loud thunder...no way. I used to hide out in closets and dark hallways as a kid with my walkman turned up as loud as possible playing "The Lion King" soundtrack. As an adult, my feelings aren't too different. I've just gotten better at keeping myself composed. So back to last night. It's really rather comical. I took blankets, pillows, my cell phone, a bottle of milk for Logan, his diaper bag, his bouncer, and a pacifier into our interior bathroom to set up camp. There we were---my 1 month old son and I, camped out in a bathroom for 20 or 30 minutes, and no tornado. I mean, I guess I'd rather play it safe than sorry, but it really is entertaining now that I look back on it.
All of that to say that sometimes all you can do is laugh, and enjoy the ride. We are all doing well, and learning to adapt to this new life.
We figured out that my stroller isn't broken after all--simply a user-malfunction! haha. All this time I had been trying to attach the carrier into the stroller incorrectly, and I thought that a part was missing. While in Toys R Us, I had the notion to look at the strollers there, and aha! Saw my blunder. I was very excited to use my stroller for the first time :-) No more hauling the carrier everywhere! I have wheels!
Throughout the day, I could tell that Logan didn't feel well. He was fussy, and kept scrunching his little legs up to his belly. My mom bought infant gas drops, so I gave him the recommended dose. Within one hour, my son pooped 3 times. I'm not talking small diapers either. I'm talking, "Did that just come out of my 9 pound baby, can't even wrap the diaper up" kind of diapers. By the way, no one ever tells you that baby poop can shoot out across the changing table. Yeah. That happened. While I was cleaning up, Logan started spitting up and coughing, so I moved to the other end of his body to assist him and clean THAT up. While cleaning up the spit up, a stream started flying past my face. That's right. In a single changing session, I got pooped on, spit up on, and peed on. Awesome.
Within the following 30 minutes, Logan spit up everything he had eaten. I presume it was everything because it was several heaves, and projectile spit up going all over me, the couch, the floor, and the coffee table. Poor kid. What a rough afternoon! I text messaged Adam to keep him on alert that if this kept up, I was taking Logan to the doctor. Fortunately, after the next feeding, Logan kept everything down and was just fine. Just a little "blip" in the day.
Fast forward a few hours. Adam was at work until 9. I was home alone, and news flashes kept coming over the television that we were under a tornado watch. The meteorologist showed several tornadic events taking place in southern Virginia, and showed the path of the storm--moving our way. About 7:30, *beep*beep*beep*, "Campbell county is under tornado warning. Take cover..." yada yada yada. Little known fact about adult Haley---I have always been terrified of severe storms. I enjoy good summer storms with rolling thunder, but tornados, hail, wind, lighting, sharp/loud thunder...no way. I used to hide out in closets and dark hallways as a kid with my walkman turned up as loud as possible playing "The Lion King" soundtrack. As an adult, my feelings aren't too different. I've just gotten better at keeping myself composed. So back to last night. It's really rather comical. I took blankets, pillows, my cell phone, a bottle of milk for Logan, his diaper bag, his bouncer, and a pacifier into our interior bathroom to set up camp. There we were---my 1 month old son and I, camped out in a bathroom for 20 or 30 minutes, and no tornado. I mean, I guess I'd rather play it safe than sorry, but it really is entertaining now that I look back on it.
All of that to say that sometimes all you can do is laugh, and enjoy the ride. We are all doing well, and learning to adapt to this new life.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Let Everything that Has Breath Praise the Lord
The past few weeks away from an 8-5 job have provided me the opportunity to feel like ME again. The beautiful ache for beauty, the empathy that I share with music, my desire to be bathed in the Word of God, and my desire to write again. Maybe these are mundane things to most people, but those are deep, real things that make me who I am. Since I have worked in a call center, for whatever reason, I have felt loss because these things seemed to be missing. Music wasn't quite penetrating me the way that it used to, my hunger for God seemed jaded, and I had writers block like never before. But even with the busy-ness of maternity, I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time.
I wish I had my piano here. I miss playing, and I ache for the release that it was for me. Those deep parts of me that are so difficult to express verbally found their way out through my fingers on 88 keys. I heard someone talking about modulations and music theory today, and remembered that I actually know a lot of music theory, after all, I studied it for 12 years. I would still love for the Lord to use music in some way through me.
I have also been missing involvement in global missions. I have been recalling my cross-cultural experiences---the faces, the places, the purpose...and long to be involved again. I pray that Adam and I are able to go together and serve somewhere.
I long to know Jesus and to be conformed to His image. I long to love deeply, richly, and selflessly, and I long to desire the things that He desires. I fall so short, but am learning to lean on grace.
This entry has been scatter brained--much more a personal journal entry than a public blog, but thank you, reader, for bearing with me. I close with the lyrics to a song that has been on repeat in my home lately:
Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
when you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
I wish I had my piano here. I miss playing, and I ache for the release that it was for me. Those deep parts of me that are so difficult to express verbally found their way out through my fingers on 88 keys. I heard someone talking about modulations and music theory today, and remembered that I actually know a lot of music theory, after all, I studied it for 12 years. I would still love for the Lord to use music in some way through me.
I have also been missing involvement in global missions. I have been recalling my cross-cultural experiences---the faces, the places, the purpose...and long to be involved again. I pray that Adam and I are able to go together and serve somewhere.
I long to know Jesus and to be conformed to His image. I long to love deeply, richly, and selflessly, and I long to desire the things that He desires. I fall so short, but am learning to lean on grace.
This entry has been scatter brained--much more a personal journal entry than a public blog, but thank you, reader, for bearing with me. I close with the lyrics to a song that has been on repeat in my home lately:
Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
when you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
New Life
It's 11:14am. The sun is shining through our living room glass doors, and I am holding my 10 day old son, Logan, against my chest while he sleeps. This seems to be his preferred sleeping position, as once he snuggles up against me he doesn't move (as opposed to basinet sleeping where the poor baby sleeps for 1/2 an hour max at this point. Looking forward to longer sleeping patterns in his bed).
Logan was born on Saturday, March 13, 2010 at 6:47pm. He was 7 lbs 11oz and 20 1/2 inches long. Very healthy, very strong. Very sweet. Thus far, he's been an easy baby to take care of! Once he's fed, changed, and slept, he's incredibly docile and observant. I think he's going to be a smart one :-) He looks around and takes it all in. He reminds me of his dad for that reason---definitely an observer. It's a great quality really. Mom, however, doesn't always take the time to observe before leaping, so my boys bring me balance. haha.
Logan is pacified by singing. He doesn't like getting his diaper changed all that much. Mark that---he doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but the process of fixing it isn't always pleasant. However, if mommy and daddy sing to him while we change him, he calms down and lets us proceed with our work. This past week, I have sung "Jesus loves me" more times than I can count, but it's been a beautiful reminder to myself that when I am weak, He is strong.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Zephaniah 3:17 which says, "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save. He rejoice over you with gladness. He will rejoice over you with singing." That verse comforted me through several difficult years in late high school/early college. However, this last week has brought a whole new dimension to the beauty of that verse. Logan is pacified by his mom and dad singing over him. Likewise, our Heavenly Father rejoices over US and sings over US when we are fussy. Often, I can hardly get through a song to Logan before my eyes well up with tears of joy and gratitude for this little man, and I am amazed to think that God delights in His children that way---no, infinitely more so! How beautiful and precious.
Having only been a parent for 10 days now, I am already amazed at what a different perspective it affords of our loving creator. I consider the cross, and wonder how God was able to give up his only son for us. The thought of Logan experiencing pain is terrifying, bringing a whole new perspective to the beauty of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf.
In more ordinary terms, this week was full of feedings and changings, and that's pretty much it. Eat, poop, sleep, repeat. Daddy has had more unfortunate floods on his shirt than mom. I think it's a dominance issue. haha. I, however, got pooped on last night, and am getting used to dried spit up on my shirts.
We're embarking on a whole new adventure. It's a calling, and I am both thrilled and absolutely dependent upon the Lord for strength and guidance. Little sleep and learning to die to myself for the health of my son are real struggles. I cannot imagine what this would be like if I were alone. Adam is amazing. He is such a natural father---involved, sensitive, in tune with Logan's and mommy's needs, and eager to meet them. I am so blessed to have a husband like that. He's my hero.
Well, looks like it's time for little man to get some more food. More updates to come.
Love,
the Bodines
Logan was born on Saturday, March 13, 2010 at 6:47pm. He was 7 lbs 11oz and 20 1/2 inches long. Very healthy, very strong. Very sweet. Thus far, he's been an easy baby to take care of! Once he's fed, changed, and slept, he's incredibly docile and observant. I think he's going to be a smart one :-) He looks around and takes it all in. He reminds me of his dad for that reason---definitely an observer. It's a great quality really. Mom, however, doesn't always take the time to observe before leaping, so my boys bring me balance. haha.
Logan is pacified by singing. He doesn't like getting his diaper changed all that much. Mark that---he doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but the process of fixing it isn't always pleasant. However, if mommy and daddy sing to him while we change him, he calms down and lets us proceed with our work. This past week, I have sung "Jesus loves me" more times than I can count, but it's been a beautiful reminder to myself that when I am weak, He is strong.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Zephaniah 3:17 which says, "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save. He rejoice over you with gladness. He will rejoice over you with singing." That verse comforted me through several difficult years in late high school/early college. However, this last week has brought a whole new dimension to the beauty of that verse. Logan is pacified by his mom and dad singing over him. Likewise, our Heavenly Father rejoices over US and sings over US when we are fussy. Often, I can hardly get through a song to Logan before my eyes well up with tears of joy and gratitude for this little man, and I am amazed to think that God delights in His children that way---no, infinitely more so! How beautiful and precious.
Having only been a parent for 10 days now, I am already amazed at what a different perspective it affords of our loving creator. I consider the cross, and wonder how God was able to give up his only son for us. The thought of Logan experiencing pain is terrifying, bringing a whole new perspective to the beauty of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf.
In more ordinary terms, this week was full of feedings and changings, and that's pretty much it. Eat, poop, sleep, repeat. Daddy has had more unfortunate floods on his shirt than mom. I think it's a dominance issue. haha. I, however, got pooped on last night, and am getting used to dried spit up on my shirts.
We're embarking on a whole new adventure. It's a calling, and I am both thrilled and absolutely dependent upon the Lord for strength and guidance. Little sleep and learning to die to myself for the health of my son are real struggles. I cannot imagine what this would be like if I were alone. Adam is amazing. He is such a natural father---involved, sensitive, in tune with Logan's and mommy's needs, and eager to meet them. I am so blessed to have a husband like that. He's my hero.
Well, looks like it's time for little man to get some more food. More updates to come.
Love,
the Bodines
Monday, March 08, 2010
March Madness
The month of March brings different images to different people. Some think of leprechauns and pots of gold. Some think of St. Patrick. Some remember being tortured as a child when they forgot to wear green and got pinched all day on the 17th (that was me. Very rarely did I “luck” out and accidentally wear green on that day). Millions think of March Madness---the NCAA Men’s Division basketball championship. No, this article isn’t going to be about my bids for the year. Ok, admittedly, I don’t even know what a bid is, much less who mine would be on. But I did a little research on this championship in pursuit of something bigger: taking the chance that you get.
March Madness is held each year during the spring, and features 65 college basketball teams in the United States. The tournament was first developed by the National Association of Basketball Coaches in 1939. The NCAA took over the tournament the following season. The tournament has less famously been known as “The Big Dance.” The tournament is a single-elimination contest, thus, for success, it is essential that a team be “on their best game” at all times. There is no making up for a loss. Teams have one chance, and they either make it or break it. One team inevitably walks away the champion. They took everything that they had, they stayed focused, and they finished victoriously.
Ok, I’m going to diverge from the basketball analogy for a little bit to more familiar territory for me. But hold on, I promise I will make the connection!
I love music. I always have. My journals from the time I was 10 years old to now have been full of song lyrics that impacted me than my own pros. Even instrumental music has always moved me to the core. Something about music stirs life in me like nothing else. It’s as though someone reaches into the most central part of my soul and turns it inside out. I love it, but I can no way effectively describe it. Jon Foreman’s lyrics are probably the most common in my journals. He conjures up poetry that I could only hope to compose myself. In one of his recent releases with Switchfoot, Jon sings, “It’s no accident we’re here tonight; we are once in a lifetime.”
Stop.
Take that in.
It’s no accident you are here. It’s no accident that you are right where you are. It’s no accident that you ARE at all.
YOU are once in a lifetime. This is your life, and it’s your one chance.
There’s the connection I promised I’d make. Like March Madness, you have one chance to make your life count. The Bible tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are unique individuals that happen once in a lifetime. You are the only YOU this world will ever have. Granted, your one chance is (God-willing) composed of many days. There are failures. There are wins. Thus, unlike March Madness, if you lose one day, you are not destined to lose it all. In fact, that’s the beauty of salvation! Christ came to redeem your loss! Selah.
However, while “every breath is a second chance” (another Jon Foreman lyric), each “win” moves us to the next level. As we daily choose to live as a champion, a winner, and a victor under the direction of our Great Coach, we move to the next level. We must take the day-to-day opportunities that we have and play well in order to move forward. In Luke 16:10, Jesus says, “He who is faithful in little will be faithful with much.” Each opportunity is a new round. How are YOU playing? How did you handle that student on the phone? How did you react to that unexpected bill? How did you treat that person in the grocery store line? How did you help your colleague? Each little opportunity is part of your great, once in a lifetime life. This month’s challenge is to evaluate your lifelong championship. Are you taking what you have been given and running hard with it? If not, it’s not too late to start! Run Hard. Love Strong. Stay focused, and live victoriously.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Run Through the Pain
Run Through the Pain
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2
I love running. In fact, being 8 months pregnant, I wish I could do just about anything above a “waddle.” I enjoy putting in my headphones, pressing play on my “running” playlist on my ipod, and taking off. Unfortunately, no amount of good music saves me from the inevitable---pain. Eventually, some kind of cramp, side-stitch, or fatigue sets in. I have a choice---I either stop running, or I keep running. It’s that simple, really. I choose to stop or go, and that choice is heavily affected by what I am focused on. I can focus on the pain, or I can focus on the finish. Track runners know that they will run harder and faster when their eyes are on the finish line and not what is going on around them. I, for one, usually choose to run outdoors because however far I go, I always have to make it home---as opposed to a treadmill where a simple “stop” button taunts me endlessly. Runners know that it is imperative to have a goal---be it a finish line, or the front door of your house. You must focus on where you are going, and push through pain to get there.
The author of Hebrews knew a thing or two about running, and encourages followers of Christ to view their lives as a race towards the finish line---the goal being Christ Himself. As believers, we have a choice in this race. We can either run with perseverance, as we are urged to do in Hebrews 12, or we can stop. We can take a seat. We can choose to dilly-dally, or we can quit day-dreaming about becoming great runners, and just run!
So, what does it mean to “run” spiritually? I have a verse taped to my computer screen: Do all things without complaining and disputing that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation (Philippians 2:13-15). So often, I pray that God would show me His plan for my life, and lead me to the next thing, and then the next, and so forth and so on. I pray that God would provide for times of need, and that God would work miracles in others’ lives. I pray that God would speak to me. And yet, I so quickly ignore those “simple” commands that I already know. I brush off with a “yeah, yeah, yeah, show me the big stuff!” But the truth is that is the big stuff. Running spiritually means knowing that we have a choice to obey what we already know! I can read, “Do all things without complaining,” and I can choose to either act on my desires to complain, or hold my tongue. I can sit down because it hurts too much, or I can push through the pain and RUN! I can read “esteeming others as greater than yourself,” and I can choose to love, or to walk away because I’m too lazy to care.
Jesus knew pain, greater than any of us ever will, and yet He was focused on the goal. I am humbled to think that WE were the goal---we were His motivation to keep going faithfully. We were the joy that was set before Him that strengthened Him to endure the cross. Now, Jesus has given each of us our own race to run. We have a course that is mapped out that we will keep running until we reach Him, and each day we have a choice to run or to walk. This year, I challenge you all (along with myself) to run hard, to love strong, and to focus on our Lord who has gone before us!
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