A few facts for you:
“Trafficking in human beings is now the third-largest moneymaking venture in the world, after illegal weapons and drugs. In fact, the United Nations estimates that the trade nets organized crime more than $12 billion a year” (Victor Malarek The Natashas: Inside the New Global Sex Trade).
According to a CIA report, 700,000 to 2 million women and children worldwide are victimized by traffickers each year.
The UN estimates that around 4 million people a year are now traded against their will to work in some form of slavery.
As many as 50,000 women and children from Asia, Latin America, and Eastern Europe are brought to the U.S. under false pretenses each year and forced to work as prostitutes, abused laborers or servants (Joel Brinkley NYT citing CIA report).
While I have only been in Bangkok for four months, the longer I am here, the more I realize how terrified I am to embrace reality. I walk down streets everyday. I see the men, women, and children sitting on the foot bridges, cups held desperately in the air. I walk on, hoping that the lump in my throat will disist, and I can return to the comfort of my own mind.
I am afraid of seeing things as they are. I am afraid of acknowledging the suffering, heartache, brokenness of the people around me. If I pretend that everything is right in the world, then it is. Right?
No. Absolutely not.
Father, I walk around with my hands figuratively covering my own eyes. I refuse to allow myself to see. But I must! I must be willing to get my hands dirty, and my own heart broken that my fellow human beings might be able to even taste love here.
Two years ago, I began reading "A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael." Amy Carmichael started an orphanage in Darfur, India in the nineteenth century. Her mission: to rescue temple prostitutes. Amy Carmichael became a hero of mine.
A year ago, I began working with the Global Missions Outreach Team at Brentwood Church in Lynchburg. We began researching Thailand, and surrounding countries, aiming at starting safehouses for women and children involved in the international sex-trade. A few months after I began working with this team, Jon Dupin spoke on the issue. I was broken. I was floored. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to the feeling of injustice. I allowed myself to see the inhumanity, the perverseness---the pain. Something inside of me determined to not sit by and do nothing about it. The next thing I know, I'm in Bangkok.
Now what? Do I return to apathy? Do I make my life comfortable here? My heart has been guarded, but I don't want it to be anymore. Lord, teach me how to see reality. Teach me how to love how you love.
So now what? It's time to decide.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Sing Over Me
The music of my heart---the song that You sing over my life---is a song without words. It is too big, too beautiful, too deep to be restricted by lyrics: a complex symphony of images and scores that opened in March nearly four years ago. Has it only been four years?
I remember sitting in my chair during worship that night, and I felt my heart beat for the first time. I began running toward You on that shoreline. The sun shone over the water, your arms were stretched wide, and my feet pounded against the sand in time with my heartbeat. My race toward You began at that moment, and it continues...
There have been obstacles since that day. The beautiful, driving melody of your song modulated into minor chords of sorrow. Brokenness had its way; but then---hope was restored. Passion was rekindled, and my eyes averted back to You. I began to run again, this time, equipped for battle. No longer is my race a straight-away to your arms. Now, I am running through armies of darkness---sword in hand. The song has become an intense, driving, powerful mantra of war, all in pursuit of Your glory. AND I DO NOT FIGHT ALONE! I STAND BESIDE MY FELLOW SOLDIERS, AND WE WILL WIELD OUR SWORDS AS WE LOOK TO YOU.
One day soon, the song of war will be stilled, and the sweet, calm melodies of a glorious homecoming will begin:
"...and you'll be here in my arms just sleeping.
And all will turn to silver glass.
The light on the water gracious pass
into the West..."
I am going home soon, but the battle is still raging. Hear my footsteps once again pounding against that sand. I am running to You.
"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the Gospel of the Grace of God." Acts 20:24
I remember sitting in my chair during worship that night, and I felt my heart beat for the first time. I began running toward You on that shoreline. The sun shone over the water, your arms were stretched wide, and my feet pounded against the sand in time with my heartbeat. My race toward You began at that moment, and it continues...
There have been obstacles since that day. The beautiful, driving melody of your song modulated into minor chords of sorrow. Brokenness had its way; but then---hope was restored. Passion was rekindled, and my eyes averted back to You. I began to run again, this time, equipped for battle. No longer is my race a straight-away to your arms. Now, I am running through armies of darkness---sword in hand. The song has become an intense, driving, powerful mantra of war, all in pursuit of Your glory. AND I DO NOT FIGHT ALONE! I STAND BESIDE MY FELLOW SOLDIERS, AND WE WILL WIELD OUR SWORDS AS WE LOOK TO YOU.
One day soon, the song of war will be stilled, and the sweet, calm melodies of a glorious homecoming will begin:
"...and you'll be here in my arms just sleeping.
And all will turn to silver glass.
The light on the water gracious pass
into the West..."
I am going home soon, but the battle is still raging. Hear my footsteps once again pounding against that sand. I am running to You.
"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the Gospel of the Grace of God." Acts 20:24
Friday, August 17, 2007
Can't Take It In
I might put my foot into my mouth if I say that I would like to update more often, so reader, know that my desire is to write more regularly, but the execution may not reflect it.
Two and a half months have passed--quickly! The excitement of the exotic has mostly subsided. Each day has new experiences, but I am comfortable in my own skin here. I now have two separate lives: one in America, and one in Thailand. Two lives, two worlds, two identities that will never parallel. Many days, my heart aches and longs to be among my loved ones in America. When I come home, I will have a new niece or nephew, and my two best friends will be getting married. It is difficult to be so detached from their lives right now. It is hard to not be able to conveniently call certain people when days are long and hard. It is hard to not be able to take a weekend trip home to have "Movie Night with the BEHAPS," or go to the park with Macie (my dog that Emily is so graciously taking care of for me.) Friends, know that I miss you very much, and that I long to see you and be with you.
But my life in Thailand is more purposeful and meaningful that I can possibly express. While I miss certain things about home, I feel alive here. Each day, there are moments of utter joy and overflowing love for my children and their parents. It is a love that I never could have imagined feeling---something inside of me that just longs to teach them well, and to work hard to serve them and their families. God is working in this place---even amongst some of the disorganization. Last year at this time, I was restless. I was so restless to move, and do something more. I did not anticipate being overseas. I put in my resume to jobs in Atlanta, NYC, Seattle, Boston, Chicago (I would have been content working in a coffee bar---or at least, I thought I would. I just needed change). But God answered my cries, and moved me here. He stirred my heart, and I followed in faith. He provided everything for me to get here, and each day, His joy far exceeds what has been "left" behind.
Perhaps I am experiencing a "writer's block" of sorts. As much as I desire to fully capture my heart in words, I cannot! I have so many different things to say, but nothing is flowing naturally. I am not usually a stream-of-consciousness type writer, but I am going to just ramble off some lines from songs that have pierced my heart recently, in hopes that you may be able to read between those lines and into the depths:
"He set me on fire, and I am burning alive. With this breath in my lungs, I am coming undone. I cannot hold it in, or remain composed. Love's taken over me, so I propose to letting myself go..."
"Don't close your eyes. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? This is your life. Today is all you've got now. And today is all you'll ever have."
"Sometimes love has to drive a nail into it's own hand."
"When you try your best and you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you."
"I can't close my eyes--they're wide awake. Every hair on my body has got a thing for this place. Empty my heart! I've got to make room for this feeling. It's so much bigger than me! It could not be any more beautiful. I can't take it in!"
Two and a half months have passed--quickly! The excitement of the exotic has mostly subsided. Each day has new experiences, but I am comfortable in my own skin here. I now have two separate lives: one in America, and one in Thailand. Two lives, two worlds, two identities that will never parallel. Many days, my heart aches and longs to be among my loved ones in America. When I come home, I will have a new niece or nephew, and my two best friends will be getting married. It is difficult to be so detached from their lives right now. It is hard to not be able to conveniently call certain people when days are long and hard. It is hard to not be able to take a weekend trip home to have "Movie Night with the BEHAPS," or go to the park with Macie (my dog that Emily is so graciously taking care of for me.) Friends, know that I miss you very much, and that I long to see you and be with you.
But my life in Thailand is more purposeful and meaningful that I can possibly express. While I miss certain things about home, I feel alive here. Each day, there are moments of utter joy and overflowing love for my children and their parents. It is a love that I never could have imagined feeling---something inside of me that just longs to teach them well, and to work hard to serve them and their families. God is working in this place---even amongst some of the disorganization. Last year at this time, I was restless. I was so restless to move, and do something more. I did not anticipate being overseas. I put in my resume to jobs in Atlanta, NYC, Seattle, Boston, Chicago (I would have been content working in a coffee bar---or at least, I thought I would. I just needed change). But God answered my cries, and moved me here. He stirred my heart, and I followed in faith. He provided everything for me to get here, and each day, His joy far exceeds what has been "left" behind.
Perhaps I am experiencing a "writer's block" of sorts. As much as I desire to fully capture my heart in words, I cannot! I have so many different things to say, but nothing is flowing naturally. I am not usually a stream-of-consciousness type writer, but I am going to just ramble off some lines from songs that have pierced my heart recently, in hopes that you may be able to read between those lines and into the depths:
"He set me on fire, and I am burning alive. With this breath in my lungs, I am coming undone. I cannot hold it in, or remain composed. Love's taken over me, so I propose to letting myself go..."
"Don't close your eyes. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? This is your life. Today is all you've got now. And today is all you'll ever have."
"Sometimes love has to drive a nail into it's own hand."
"When you try your best and you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you."
"I can't close my eyes--they're wide awake. Every hair on my body has got a thing for this place. Empty my heart! I've got to make room for this feeling. It's so much bigger than me! It could not be any more beautiful. I can't take it in!"
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Beautiful Adventure
I do not believe that today could have been improved upon. It is the first day that I have had nothing to do since I arrived, and I have purposefully kept it so. I stayed awake until I was completely exhausted last night to ensure a good night's sleep. I woke around 8:30am, cleaned our bathroom, spent a good time with the Lord, went to the gym for a good workout, sat in the coffee shop above the gym after showering and proceeded to thoroughly enjoy continuing my reading of Jane Eyre (a beautiful novel), had my hair straightened for 80 baht (a pleasure for which I am grateful. I had forgotten how nice it was to have straight hair), and am now sitting in my cozy bedroom--rain falling outside, and a music-mix comprised of Norah Jones, Sean McConnell, Coldplay, and the Weepies playing. A relaxing day to be sure. I am glad that I chose to stay in Nonthaburi this weekend, rather than going to the beach with Tiffany. I think that I needed nothingness for a day.
I am living a dream here. Since I was a little girl, epic stories have penetrated the core of my being. I have always wanted to be the woman who is part of a grand adventure--a woman who is feminine, and yet is somehow set apart from "the norm." A woman who has found something worth fighting for, and does not simply bask in the simplicity of domestic life. Heroines like Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Swan, Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Eyre, Jo March...women who were somehow different. They each had a restlessness about them that drove them to something bigger. In my own way, I hope to be like that.
Let's consider the epic a little further. We see it all the time: movies about the grand adventure of life. Good versus evil--dangerous romance played out between men and women who fight side-by-side for something heroic. There is pain, hardship, defeat, tears...but ultimately joy, peace, and victory. Can we as believers not see eternity composed on the hearts of men through such things? Is not our desire for something greater?
When I left America, I felt as though I was about to fly or fall, and the former seems to be ringing true. My adventure began. I have embarked on a journey from which there is no turning back. Many of my comrades view their time here as temporary: a year, two, three... While I do not know what life brings, I hesitate to put a time limit on my time and purpose anywhere. Something tells me that a sedentary life is not in the cards for me, and that is exciting! Before I left Lynchburg, I was broken over the international human traffiking issue. Women and children are bought and sold as sex slaves throughout the world--including in America. Thailand is a high-traffic area, and I would like to take the time over the next year to knick the surface of the issue in my own heart. There is a ministry in Bangkok that ministers to prostitutes--trying to teach them new trades for income. I am praying for utter brokenness over this need.
Teaching is going well, though it is very tiring. This past week was very draining and exhausting, and there is no outlet for that. Unlike an office position, a teacher must remain energetic and optimistic in order for her students to be the least bit interested in learning. I desire whole-heartedly for my children to learn and desire to learn this year. I want to put the effort forth to teach them, not just so they can learn academia, but that they might see the true love behind the effort. After only one week in the classroom, I already see the absolute necessity of being re-energized each day by the Lord Himself. I will not be able to energize anyone else without having first been plugged into a power source myself.
There have been lonely days here as well. But that is not unusual for me anywhere really. I have always had lonely times, where I long for deep companionship. I am frequently learning and relearning to find my companionship with the Lord. Going back to the "heroine" topic--each woman that I mentioned dealt with solitude. Many times, going against the current means going alone. I have been blessed in life to have encountered only a few people with which my connection and attachment has been far beyond superficial. I read this morning a bit about David and Jonathan, and was touched by the depth of their relationship. Two women come to mind when I read that--one of which is here in Thailand with me. These women are passionate, adventurous, loving, humble, and willing to fight for something great.
As it pertains to romantic relationships: should the Lord choose to allow me to marry one day, I pray for a man with which I can fight alongside of. A man who is strong, brave, loving, compassionate, passionate, wise, and will allow me to be a part of his adventure. Sometimes the longing for this is great. It is difficult to imagine living the life I crave alone, but I have committed my life to following Jesus, even if I walk the road alone.
Perhaps this entry was mere ranting to the reader, but I ask you to consider its depth. My heart's cry lies between the lines of insufficient words.
I am living a dream here. Since I was a little girl, epic stories have penetrated the core of my being. I have always wanted to be the woman who is part of a grand adventure--a woman who is feminine, and yet is somehow set apart from "the norm." A woman who has found something worth fighting for, and does not simply bask in the simplicity of domestic life. Heroines like Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Swan, Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Eyre, Jo March...women who were somehow different. They each had a restlessness about them that drove them to something bigger. In my own way, I hope to be like that.
Let's consider the epic a little further. We see it all the time: movies about the grand adventure of life. Good versus evil--dangerous romance played out between men and women who fight side-by-side for something heroic. There is pain, hardship, defeat, tears...but ultimately joy, peace, and victory. Can we as believers not see eternity composed on the hearts of men through such things? Is not our desire for something greater?
When I left America, I felt as though I was about to fly or fall, and the former seems to be ringing true. My adventure began. I have embarked on a journey from which there is no turning back. Many of my comrades view their time here as temporary: a year, two, three... While I do not know what life brings, I hesitate to put a time limit on my time and purpose anywhere. Something tells me that a sedentary life is not in the cards for me, and that is exciting! Before I left Lynchburg, I was broken over the international human traffiking issue. Women and children are bought and sold as sex slaves throughout the world--including in America. Thailand is a high-traffic area, and I would like to take the time over the next year to knick the surface of the issue in my own heart. There is a ministry in Bangkok that ministers to prostitutes--trying to teach them new trades for income. I am praying for utter brokenness over this need.
Teaching is going well, though it is very tiring. This past week was very draining and exhausting, and there is no outlet for that. Unlike an office position, a teacher must remain energetic and optimistic in order for her students to be the least bit interested in learning. I desire whole-heartedly for my children to learn and desire to learn this year. I want to put the effort forth to teach them, not just so they can learn academia, but that they might see the true love behind the effort. After only one week in the classroom, I already see the absolute necessity of being re-energized each day by the Lord Himself. I will not be able to energize anyone else without having first been plugged into a power source myself.
There have been lonely days here as well. But that is not unusual for me anywhere really. I have always had lonely times, where I long for deep companionship. I am frequently learning and relearning to find my companionship with the Lord. Going back to the "heroine" topic--each woman that I mentioned dealt with solitude. Many times, going against the current means going alone. I have been blessed in life to have encountered only a few people with which my connection and attachment has been far beyond superficial. I read this morning a bit about David and Jonathan, and was touched by the depth of their relationship. Two women come to mind when I read that--one of which is here in Thailand with me. These women are passionate, adventurous, loving, humble, and willing to fight for something great.
As it pertains to romantic relationships: should the Lord choose to allow me to marry one day, I pray for a man with which I can fight alongside of. A man who is strong, brave, loving, compassionate, passionate, wise, and will allow me to be a part of his adventure. Sometimes the longing for this is great. It is difficult to imagine living the life I crave alone, but I have committed my life to following Jesus, even if I walk the road alone.
Perhaps this entry was mere ranting to the reader, but I ask you to consider its depth. My heart's cry lies between the lines of insufficient words.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Well...the day is here. I am sitting in the airport Starbucks...heart starting to beat faster. My aunt and cousin just left after we enjoyed a morning cup of coffee together. We have spent the last few days in Orlando, just enjoying Disney world. What a way to leave the states! :-)
I have enjoyed the time here. My cousin, James, and I have always been very close. I hate to use the term "cousin" for him, since he is more like the big brother that the family tree didn't give. He has always looked out for me, and his love is like a shelter for me. I have absolutely loved seeing him.
Ok...confession: I am a nervous flyer. Sure, I like the luxury of it all--movies, music, food...but I never can figure out what is normal turbulence and what is not. I can never calm myself down. My doctor gave me 10 days worth of sleeping pills to start adjusting to a new time change, which I am thankful for. His words: "Take one when you leave New York...you'll wake up in South Korea." Fabulous!
Well, that's all for now really. But here I go.
"So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Because I'm leaving on a jet plane.
I don't know when I'll be back again..."
I have enjoyed the time here. My cousin, James, and I have always been very close. I hate to use the term "cousin" for him, since he is more like the big brother that the family tree didn't give. He has always looked out for me, and his love is like a shelter for me. I have absolutely loved seeing him.
Ok...confession: I am a nervous flyer. Sure, I like the luxury of it all--movies, music, food...but I never can figure out what is normal turbulence and what is not. I can never calm myself down. My doctor gave me 10 days worth of sleeping pills to start adjusting to a new time change, which I am thankful for. His words: "Take one when you leave New York...you'll wake up in South Korea." Fabulous!
Well, that's all for now really. But here I go.
"So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Because I'm leaving on a jet plane.
I don't know when I'll be back again..."
Monday, May 14, 2007
That Which Costs Me Nothing
I expected that eventually my decision to go to Thailand would be difficult. In all of the excitement and preparations of the past few months, I really did not have any second thoughts or feel any remorse about the decision--I've known that this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been such a joy! But this past weekend I left Tennessee feeling like I had been hit by a bus at 90 mph.
I left work Friday afternoon to visit my mom and my grandparents in Tennessee for one last weekend before I leave the country. My grandparents have always been uniquely special to me. They have been more than the "traditional" grandparents that most people know--they have been the only people in my life that have remained consistent. They have always taken on the persona of parental figures--never taking. Always giving. They are both two of my heroes. Everytime I leave their presence, my heart hurts, but yesterday, I was crushed. Goodbyes were quick. We avoided talking about me leaving all weekend. I cannot stand the thought of either of them hurting in any way, and to think that it was over me is too much. But I know that they understand. They are so strong and willing to encourage me to follow the Lord, even if that means my absence from their home. Shall I offer the Lord that which costs me nothing?
My mother is a different story. She has come so far. There is so much pain and so many memories. I know that she feels remorse and guilt over many things. But I am afraid that she does not see how far she has come! To think where we were just a few years ago, and now the healing that has already begun! The Lord has not only shown me how to forgive her for everything, but yesterday I wept bitterly because I want her to know joy! I sincerely desire for my mom to be at peace, and rest, and to understand that the past is past. It's over. We have so much life in front of us, and our God is bigger than our hurt and pain! Oh, Lord. Please show her the peace of your mercy! Please grant her joy and fill her cup to overflow. Please allow her to forgive herself.
My eyes are still bloodshot, but the Lord's joy was ever present on the drive home. Patrick and Emily were staying in Roanoke last night, so I stopped and stayed with them rather than finishing the drive to Lynchburg.
"He who is not willing to abandon father, mother, brother for the sake of the Gospel is not worthy..."
Father, find me worthy.
I left work Friday afternoon to visit my mom and my grandparents in Tennessee for one last weekend before I leave the country. My grandparents have always been uniquely special to me. They have been more than the "traditional" grandparents that most people know--they have been the only people in my life that have remained consistent. They have always taken on the persona of parental figures--never taking. Always giving. They are both two of my heroes. Everytime I leave their presence, my heart hurts, but yesterday, I was crushed. Goodbyes were quick. We avoided talking about me leaving all weekend. I cannot stand the thought of either of them hurting in any way, and to think that it was over me is too much. But I know that they understand. They are so strong and willing to encourage me to follow the Lord, even if that means my absence from their home. Shall I offer the Lord that which costs me nothing?
My mother is a different story. She has come so far. There is so much pain and so many memories. I know that she feels remorse and guilt over many things. But I am afraid that she does not see how far she has come! To think where we were just a few years ago, and now the healing that has already begun! The Lord has not only shown me how to forgive her for everything, but yesterday I wept bitterly because I want her to know joy! I sincerely desire for my mom to be at peace, and rest, and to understand that the past is past. It's over. We have so much life in front of us, and our God is bigger than our hurt and pain! Oh, Lord. Please show her the peace of your mercy! Please grant her joy and fill her cup to overflow. Please allow her to forgive herself.
My eyes are still bloodshot, but the Lord's joy was ever present on the drive home. Patrick and Emily were staying in Roanoke last night, so I stopped and stayed with them rather than finishing the drive to Lynchburg.
"He who is not willing to abandon father, mother, brother for the sake of the Gospel is not worthy..."
Father, find me worthy.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Tears of the Saints
I never thought that I would be at the place that I am now standing. Mixed emotions fill my heart, and I am preparing to embark on a new adventure. The best way to explain it is to say that I imagine it is something similar to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, prepared to jump. Terrifying, except that every experience building up to that point was another feather being added to the wings that you did not realize you had been given. It feels like the great crescendo in a piece of music--the bridge that builds to the loudest anthem of the entire song. I feel alive.
In four weeks, I will be on my way to Bangkok, Thailand. While my contract with Global English School is only for one year, I hesitate to say that I will return then. The journey of the past year has taken me from being a young college student to being a woman with a vision. Oh, Lord--grant me your vision and your passion. Your voice to proclaim. Your boldness to stand.
During the months of waiting to hear from GES regarding my possible employment, I began to get involved with Brentwood Church's Global Mission Outreach Team. I was one of a few girls prayerfully researching parts of the world to minister to women and children involved in the sex trafficking industry. Thailand was of key importance. The short time that I was working with the teams I had the opportunity to begin some basic research on the issue at hand. My heart has slowly been stripped of callousses regarding the matter, and this past Sunday, I was broken. The images of women brought me to tears and my knees. Oh, Father. This is too big for me to handle. Jesus, your salvation cries out to these people. I offer my feeble hands to you to do what you will.
I never thought that I would go--that I would be one to leave home, and material luxury for something that I believed in. Terribly honest. Somewhere along the way, I discovered that this is not my home. Oh, Lord. Do not allow me to grasp for this world.
Everything seems to have culminated to this point. Every broken moment, every tear, every change. They were all reasons to run after something greater than myself. Now, as I say good bye to my quaint apartment and current locale, I look ahead to a work that I cannot accomplish, but hope to be a part of.
I pray that I become less and less comfortable living a "comfortable" life. I pray for courage to fight, and not merely stand with weapons loosely girded to my belt.
And so here we go.
In four weeks, I will be on my way to Bangkok, Thailand. While my contract with Global English School is only for one year, I hesitate to say that I will return then. The journey of the past year has taken me from being a young college student to being a woman with a vision. Oh, Lord--grant me your vision and your passion. Your voice to proclaim. Your boldness to stand.
During the months of waiting to hear from GES regarding my possible employment, I began to get involved with Brentwood Church's Global Mission Outreach Team. I was one of a few girls prayerfully researching parts of the world to minister to women and children involved in the sex trafficking industry. Thailand was of key importance. The short time that I was working with the teams I had the opportunity to begin some basic research on the issue at hand. My heart has slowly been stripped of callousses regarding the matter, and this past Sunday, I was broken. The images of women brought me to tears and my knees. Oh, Father. This is too big for me to handle. Jesus, your salvation cries out to these people. I offer my feeble hands to you to do what you will.
I never thought that I would go--that I would be one to leave home, and material luxury for something that I believed in. Terribly honest. Somewhere along the way, I discovered that this is not my home. Oh, Lord. Do not allow me to grasp for this world.
Everything seems to have culminated to this point. Every broken moment, every tear, every change. They were all reasons to run after something greater than myself. Now, as I say good bye to my quaint apartment and current locale, I look ahead to a work that I cannot accomplish, but hope to be a part of.
I pray that I become less and less comfortable living a "comfortable" life. I pray for courage to fight, and not merely stand with weapons loosely girded to my belt.
And so here we go.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
So that others may live
January 31, 2007
There are times when I must be reminded why I chose this way of life—why I gave my life to Christ. Sometimes it seems so painfully lonely. I say seems, because I have to believe that I am not truly alone, no matter how deep the space seems to go. There are days when the hardest thing for me to do is to wait—to hold on, and just keep believing. I have to press on, not because I feel like it, but because I refuse to give up. Something tells me that there is a purpose. Something inside of me says that there’s more to it.
I got into my bed last night with my eyes aching and my cheeks still damp from tears. I was reminded why through one sentence: So others may live.
I say why to cover a few degrees of questions:
Lord, why is this life worth it?
Lord, why do you require dying to ourselves?
Lord, why did you die?
I will begin with the latter.
I cannot fathom the work done on the cross. As hard as I have tried, I still do not comprehend either the absolute necessity for a blood atonement to absolve an entire world’s sin, nor the love that would compel a perfect God-man to remain still for the nails to be driven through his hands and feet. Someone once told me, or maybe I read it, that Christ’s love and passion was for the Father’s glory to be shone through His obedience. That is the passion that I desire.
The Father had a reason for his son’s death also: So that others may live.
I truly believe that the human heart has a desire for heroism. Throughout history, there have been men and women that have discovered the meaning of self-sacrifice for the life of another. That is heroism, and our Father knew that when He said that the last would be first. His word is always for His glory, and our good.
My life has not been given to Christ solely for my own benefit. His glory and people’s lives are at stake. I want to take this responsibility very seriously. There has been a lot of pain in the past. My past has made me afraid of so many things. But I don’t want to look back anymore. I want to move forward, chin up in absolute strength of will to do as my commander has ordered.
Father, please provide the strength and heart to lay my life down for your Glory, and for the lives of others..
Can you lay your life down
So a stranger can live
Can you take what you need
But take less than you give
Could you close every day
Without the glory and fame
Could you hold your head high
When no one knows your name
That’s how legends are made
At least that’s what they say
We say goodbye
But never let go
We live, we die
Because you can’t save every soul
Gotta take every chance to
Show that you’re the kind of man who
Will never look back, never look down
And never let go
Can you lose everything
You ever had planned
Can you sit down again
And play another hand
Could you risk everything
For the chance to be alone
Under pressure find the grace
once you come undone
That’s how legends are made
At least that’s what they say
-Bryan Adams-
There are times when I must be reminded why I chose this way of life—why I gave my life to Christ. Sometimes it seems so painfully lonely. I say seems, because I have to believe that I am not truly alone, no matter how deep the space seems to go. There are days when the hardest thing for me to do is to wait—to hold on, and just keep believing. I have to press on, not because I feel like it, but because I refuse to give up. Something tells me that there is a purpose. Something inside of me says that there’s more to it.
I got into my bed last night with my eyes aching and my cheeks still damp from tears. I was reminded why through one sentence: So others may live.
I say why to cover a few degrees of questions:
Lord, why is this life worth it?
Lord, why do you require dying to ourselves?
Lord, why did you die?
I will begin with the latter.
I cannot fathom the work done on the cross. As hard as I have tried, I still do not comprehend either the absolute necessity for a blood atonement to absolve an entire world’s sin, nor the love that would compel a perfect God-man to remain still for the nails to be driven through his hands and feet. Someone once told me, or maybe I read it, that Christ’s love and passion was for the Father’s glory to be shone through His obedience. That is the passion that I desire.
The Father had a reason for his son’s death also: So that others may live.
I truly believe that the human heart has a desire for heroism. Throughout history, there have been men and women that have discovered the meaning of self-sacrifice for the life of another. That is heroism, and our Father knew that when He said that the last would be first. His word is always for His glory, and our good.
My life has not been given to Christ solely for my own benefit. His glory and people’s lives are at stake. I want to take this responsibility very seriously. There has been a lot of pain in the past. My past has made me afraid of so many things. But I don’t want to look back anymore. I want to move forward, chin up in absolute strength of will to do as my commander has ordered.
Father, please provide the strength and heart to lay my life down for your Glory, and for the lives of others..
Can you lay your life down
So a stranger can live
Can you take what you need
But take less than you give
Could you close every day
Without the glory and fame
Could you hold your head high
When no one knows your name
That’s how legends are made
At least that’s what they say
We say goodbye
But never let go
We live, we die
Because you can’t save every soul
Gotta take every chance to
Show that you’re the kind of man who
Will never look back, never look down
And never let go
Can you lose everything
You ever had planned
Can you sit down again
And play another hand
Could you risk everything
For the chance to be alone
Under pressure find the grace
once you come undone
That’s how legends are made
At least that’s what they say
-Bryan Adams-
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