Before I begin this entry, let me first just point out what an amazing cultural phenomenon Google.com has become. The term "google" has literally transcended the form of a proper noun to what is now a common place verb.
I don't think that the questions I ask are rare. I don't think that I am alone when I ask, "Does my life matter? Am I making an impact? Am I at least moving in the right direction for something greater?" I think most of us ask ourselves those questions, and I think that most of us find ourselves in ruts of despair and finally settle into thinking that the questions will be left unanswered. Allow me to be transparent: I'm there right now. I find myself daily asking if this day-to-day living makes a difference. I find myself wondering if these things that seem so mundane are moving me in the right direction of leaving a legacy. Does it matter that the majority of my days right now are spent producing milk for a 3 month old? Does it matter that I work hard to stay caught up with laundry, dishes, and errands? Do my coffee dates with girlfriends make a difference in anything? What about my prayers---are those hitting the ceiling? Do all of the conversations about our desires to serve and be used matter for my husband and I? My flesh tells me that they don't matter. It's too small, too ordinary, too mundane to matter. I need to do more, be more, love more, serve more. But my faith tells me differently. My faith tells me that every breath matters. Every day counts. And my God loves me so much that the life that He gave to me is intentional. Often, my flesh FEELS like 90% of my thoughts, and my faith 10%. I feel bogged down by my blindness. But I believe with all of my heart that questions will be answered through my faith, and that yours can too. The Creator of the Universe---the Creator of you and me---He is the one that has the answers.
Sometimes I wish God had a search engine. I wish I could go to answersinJesus.com and type in, "Why did you create me?" and pull up a reference from God Himself that says, "Haley was born on November 21, 1985 so that I could use her to ________________________." Can I get a witness?
But here I am. On a journey that I believe will lead me home, and that does, in fact, have a purpose for the Kingdom of God. That purpose may turn out to be completely different than what I imagine, but as my husband has told me so many times, if that is the case it will be even better. Now, I just need to learn to trust the Lord (surely I am not the only one that has a hard time with this one), and live obediently in those things that seem so ordinary.
h some of you
1 comment:
Haley,
This may be a bit of what you already know, but allow me to point out that your "mundane" tasks right now are quite significant, in that you are passing yourself on to your beautiful son. As young as he is, you are teaching him God's two greatest commands: what it means to love God and to love others by caring for them. I'll be honest. I, too, struggle with wondering whether or not my life matters. Even more so, I struggle with how I can pass myself on past the life I now live when God does not give us the children we so strongly desire. Keep on with your daily tasks, and remember with each load of laundry that you are intentionally making a difference for future generations, long after you will be gone.
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