Can't Take It In

I might put my foot into my mouth if I say that I would like to update more often, so reader, know that my desire is to write more regularly, but the execution may not reflect it.

Two and a half months have passed--quickly! The excitement of the exotic has mostly subsided. Each day has new experiences, but I am comfortable in my own skin here. I now have two separate lives: one in America, and one in Thailand. Two lives, two worlds, two identities that will never parallel. Many days, my heart aches and longs to be among my loved ones in America. When I come home, I will have a new niece or nephew, and my two best friends will be getting married. It is difficult to be so detached from their lives right now. It is hard to not be able to conveniently call certain people when days are long and hard. It is hard to not be able to take a weekend trip home to have "Movie Night with the BEHAPS," or go to the park with Macie (my dog that Emily is so graciously taking care of for me.) Friends, know that I miss you very much, and that I long to see you and be with you.

But my life in Thailand is more purposeful and meaningful that I can possibly express. While I miss certain things about home, I feel alive here. Each day, there are moments of utter joy and overflowing love for my children and their parents. It is a love that I never could have imagined feeling---something inside of me that just longs to teach them well, and to work hard to serve them and their families. God is working in this place---even amongst some of the disorganization. Last year at this time, I was restless. I was so restless to move, and do something more. I did not anticipate being overseas. I put in my resume to jobs in Atlanta, NYC, Seattle, Boston, Chicago (I would have been content working in a coffee bar---or at least, I thought I would. I just needed change). But God answered my cries, and moved me here. He stirred my heart, and I followed in faith. He provided everything for me to get here, and each day, His joy far exceeds what has been "left" behind.

Perhaps I am experiencing a "writer's block" of sorts. As much as I desire to fully capture my heart in words, I cannot! I have so many different things to say, but nothing is flowing naturally. I am not usually a stream-of-consciousness type writer, but I am going to just ramble off some lines from songs that have pierced my heart recently, in hopes that you may be able to read between those lines and into the depths:

"He set me on fire, and I am burning alive. With this breath in my lungs, I am coming undone. I cannot hold it in, or remain composed. Love's taken over me, so I propose to letting myself go..."

"Don't close your eyes. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? This is your life. Today is all you've got now. And today is all you'll ever have."

"Sometimes love has to drive a nail into it's own hand."

"When you try your best and you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you."

"I can't close my eyes--they're wide awake. Every hair on my body has got a thing for this place. Empty my heart! I've got to make room for this feeling. It's so much bigger than me! It could not be any more beautiful. I can't take it in!"