I do not believe that today could have been improved upon. It is the first day that I have had nothing to do since I arrived, and I have purposefully kept it so. I stayed awake until I was completely exhausted last night to ensure a good night's sleep. I woke around 8:30am, cleaned our bathroom, spent a good time with the Lord, went to the gym for a good workout, sat in the coffee shop above the gym after showering and proceeded to thoroughly enjoy continuing my reading of Jane Eyre (a beautiful novel), had my hair straightened for 80 baht (a pleasure for which I am grateful. I had forgotten how nice it was to have straight hair), and am now sitting in my cozy bedroom--rain falling outside, and a music-mix comprised of Norah Jones, Sean McConnell, Coldplay, and the Weepies playing. A relaxing day to be sure. I am glad that I chose to stay in Nonthaburi this weekend, rather than going to the beach with Tiffany. I think that I needed nothingness for a day.
I am living a dream here. Since I was a little girl, epic stories have penetrated the core of my being. I have always wanted to be the woman who is part of a grand adventure--a woman who is feminine, and yet is somehow set apart from "the norm." A woman who has found something worth fighting for, and does not simply bask in the simplicity of domestic life. Heroines like Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Swan, Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Eyre, Jo March...women who were somehow different. They each had a restlessness about them that drove them to something bigger. In my own way, I hope to be like that.
Let's consider the epic a little further. We see it all the time: movies about the grand adventure of life. Good versus evil--dangerous romance played out between men and women who fight side-by-side for something heroic. There is pain, hardship, defeat, tears...but ultimately joy, peace, and victory. Can we as believers not see eternity composed on the hearts of men through such things? Is not our desire for something greater?
When I left America, I felt as though I was about to fly or fall, and the former seems to be ringing true. My adventure began. I have embarked on a journey from which there is no turning back. Many of my comrades view their time here as temporary: a year, two, three... While I do not know what life brings, I hesitate to put a time limit on my time and purpose anywhere. Something tells me that a sedentary life is not in the cards for me, and that is exciting! Before I left Lynchburg, I was broken over the international human traffiking issue. Women and children are bought and sold as sex slaves throughout the world--including in America. Thailand is a high-traffic area, and I would like to take the time over the next year to knick the surface of the issue in my own heart. There is a ministry in Bangkok that ministers to prostitutes--trying to teach them new trades for income. I am praying for utter brokenness over this need.
Teaching is going well, though it is very tiring. This past week was very draining and exhausting, and there is no outlet for that. Unlike an office position, a teacher must remain energetic and optimistic in order for her students to be the least bit interested in learning. I desire whole-heartedly for my children to learn and desire to learn this year. I want to put the effort forth to teach them, not just so they can learn academia, but that they might see the true love behind the effort. After only one week in the classroom, I already see the absolute necessity of being re-energized each day by the Lord Himself. I will not be able to energize anyone else without having first been plugged into a power source myself.
There have been lonely days here as well. But that is not unusual for me anywhere really. I have always had lonely times, where I long for deep companionship. I am frequently learning and relearning to find my companionship with the Lord. Going back to the "heroine" topic--each woman that I mentioned dealt with solitude. Many times, going against the current means going alone. I have been blessed in life to have encountered only a few people with which my connection and attachment has been far beyond superficial. I read this morning a bit about David and Jonathan, and was touched by the depth of their relationship. Two women come to mind when I read that--one of which is here in Thailand with me. These women are passionate, adventurous, loving, humble, and willing to fight for something great.
As it pertains to romantic relationships: should the Lord choose to allow me to marry one day, I pray for a man with which I can fight alongside of. A man who is strong, brave, loving, compassionate, passionate, wise, and will allow me to be a part of his adventure. Sometimes the longing for this is great. It is difficult to imagine living the life I crave alone, but I have committed my life to following Jesus, even if I walk the road alone.
Perhaps this entry was mere ranting to the reader, but I ask you to consider its depth. My heart's cry lies between the lines of insufficient words.
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