That Which Costs Me Nothing

I expected that eventually my decision to go to Thailand would be difficult. In all of the excitement and preparations of the past few months, I really did not have any second thoughts or feel any remorse about the decision--I've known that this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been such a joy! But this past weekend I left Tennessee feeling like I had been hit by a bus at 90 mph.

I left work Friday afternoon to visit my mom and my grandparents in Tennessee for one last weekend before I leave the country. My grandparents have always been uniquely special to me. They have been more than the "traditional" grandparents that most people know--they have been the only people in my life that have remained consistent. They have always taken on the persona of parental figures--never taking. Always giving. They are both two of my heroes. Everytime I leave their presence, my heart hurts, but yesterday, I was crushed. Goodbyes were quick. We avoided talking about me leaving all weekend. I cannot stand the thought of either of them hurting in any way, and to think that it was over me is too much. But I know that they understand. They are so strong and willing to encourage me to follow the Lord, even if that means my absence from their home. Shall I offer the Lord that which costs me nothing?

My mother is a different story. She has come so far. There is so much pain and so many memories. I know that she feels remorse and guilt over many things. But I am afraid that she does not see how far she has come! To think where we were just a few years ago, and now the healing that has already begun! The Lord has not only shown me how to forgive her for everything, but yesterday I wept bitterly because I want her to know joy! I sincerely desire for my mom to be at peace, and rest, and to understand that the past is past. It's over. We have so much life in front of us, and our God is bigger than our hurt and pain! Oh, Lord. Please show her the peace of your mercy! Please grant her joy and fill her cup to overflow. Please allow her to forgive herself.

My eyes are still bloodshot, but the Lord's joy was ever present on the drive home. Patrick and Emily were staying in Roanoke last night, so I stopped and stayed with them rather than finishing the drive to Lynchburg.

"He who is not willing to abandon father, mother, brother for the sake of the Gospel is not worthy..."

Father, find me worthy.